"Aleah, thank you so much for joining us," Aaron's therapist, Steve, warmly grasped my hand with both of his.
I smiled timidly, hoping he wouldn't notice how clammy my hand was. I was really comfortable with my therapist, Dean, but this was a whole new ballgame, in my mind. "Thanks for having me."
I settled onto the loveseat next to Aaron, and he reached over and gave my knee a squeeze.
"I know Aaron has told you a little bit about his sessions, and I'm really happy you decided to come today. It means a lot to Aaron, as I know he loves you and wants your relationship to be healthy and functioning at its peak level."
I nodded my head.
He continued, "So, would you please tell me your understanding of why you've joined us? Also, what lead you to decide to join us, too."
I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. I really wished it was Dean we were meeting with. I knew this was about Aaron, though, and our relationship, not me and my issues. That was what my session with Dean were for. "Well..." I trailed off and furrowed my eyebrows. I glanced over at Aaron. I was fully intending to be honest, but a part of me wanted to give a watered down version. Aaron was looking at my neutrally, but expectantly. I decided to be fully honest. The whole, ugly truth. "I'm here because of what happened with Aaron while he was undercover, so we can address all of that, I believe. And I decided to come today to save our relationship. I'm really struggling with what happened, but I love Aaron, deeply. I want to be with him, and I want to fully trust him again, too. And also, like you said, I want our relationship to be healthy. I miss how we were."
Steve smiled gently. "Excellent. Now, since I don't know you from your own perspective, could you tell me a little bit about yourself, your family, and how you and Aaron met?"
And that is how the rest of the hour was spent, was me talking about me. Apparently I'm good at that, since it took about 45 minutes.
Afterwards, we went out to eat.
While at dinner, Aaron approached a subject I wasn't expecting.
"Next month is my mom's birthday, and I was thinking about flying out to Chicago for an extended weekend to see her. I'd really like it if you'd come with me, but I understand if you don't want to."
I smiled broadly at him. "Of course I'd love to. I really like your mom."
"Well, there's a catch." A smile played at his lips.
I fake glared at him. "Yes?"
"You'd be meeting all of my sisters, too."
"If they're anything like you and your mom, I'm sure I'll love them, too."
"Honestly, they're not. Well, a few of them are, but not all. But I'm not going to sugarcoat it and say they are all pleasant."
"Oh, well, in that case..." I trailed off, and could see the quick flash of disappointment on his face. "I'm teasing. Of course I'll go. Even if your sisters aren't all pleasant, in your words, I would still like to get to know your family even better."
He reached across the table and grabbed my hands. "Thank you. Really. I'm so excited to go back and see them."
"Well, if you're excited, I'm excited, too," I laughed. But on the inside, I was a little nervous by his slight warning.
Monday, February 22, 2016
Thursday, February 18, 2016
Date Night
I slowly dipped my feet into the perfectly hot water and leaned my head back against the chair, closing my eyes. I smiled to myself, then turned my head and opened my eyes to watch Aaron tentatively dipping one toe into the water. I laughed out loud at his hesitation. For as good care as he takes of himself, he had never had a pedicure.
We were trying to get back to being us. So we were having a Friday night date night. Just the two of us. He had picked me up at my house after we each got off work. On the agenda: Pedicures, dinner, and possibly a movie, pending how long the other two events lasted.
I had picked out a mint green color for my toes. I was big on mint green and gold right now. Aaron, obviously, was not having a color put onto his toes, though I had tried to convince him to, because I thought it would be funny.
"Just stick your feet in the water. You're being weird," I laughed at him.
He stuck his tongue out at me, playfully. "This just happens to be the one thing you're a pro at, compared to me."
"The one thing? There are plenty of things."
"Mmm... name three."
"Well, there's tennis." He nodded his head. "And I'm probably better at mixing drinks." He cocked an eyebrow because he knew that was true, too. "I can't say for sure, because I don't know your experience, but I would also say I'm better at going down..."
He cleared his throat loudly, cutting me off, and greeted the two nail techs that were heading towards us. He still hadn't completely submerged his feet, and lady grabbed his feet, tilted her head at him and asked, "You scared of water?"
He blushed slightly. "Oh, no! No, no. I just..."
I laughed again. I had no idea why he was so scared of getting a pedicure, but it was literally cracking me up. "Aaron. Seriously, you're making this awkward!" I teased.
He dropped his feet into the water then, splashing some outside of the tub.
The rest of the pedicures went by smoothly, with us laughing and teasing each other, and the nail techs joining in.
For dinner we went to a new place in town that serves farm to table food, and is on the fancier side. We got stuffed bison bites as an appetizer and split a surf and turf entree (ribeye with lobster hollandaise, asparagus, and roasted fingerling potatoes). It was probably the best plate of food I'd had in my entire life.
Even though it was a little late by the time we got out, we decided to go see a movie. We saw Deadpool. And I surprisingly really liked it. I let Aaron pick a movie he really wanted to see, and I didn't expect to like it. And I did.
When we got back to my house, Aaron walked me to my front door. When I unlocked it, I looked at him awkwardly. We hadn't had sex since his disclosure to me, and I was still trying to build that bit of trust back that I felt a little betrayed. It was something I was working on. He didn't look at me any differently than he normally did. It seemed he could already tell how I felt.
He leaned down and kissed me lightly, though passionately, on my lips. "I love you, Aleah."
"I love you, too." I paused, then continued. "Do you want to come in?"
He grabbed my shoulders and squeezed. He leaned down and kissed my forehead. "Not tonight." He looked at me knowingly. "May I see you tomorrow, though?"
I nodded my head, afraid to talk. I was feeling super emotional all of a sudden. A mixture of guilt that I couldn't sleep with him, yet, and also sadness that he knew I was struggling with that, plus gratitude that I had a man who loved me so much to respect how I felt.
He kissed me one more time and told me goodnight, and got in his car and left.
We were trying to get back to being us. So we were having a Friday night date night. Just the two of us. He had picked me up at my house after we each got off work. On the agenda: Pedicures, dinner, and possibly a movie, pending how long the other two events lasted.
I had picked out a mint green color for my toes. I was big on mint green and gold right now. Aaron, obviously, was not having a color put onto his toes, though I had tried to convince him to, because I thought it would be funny.
"Just stick your feet in the water. You're being weird," I laughed at him.
He stuck his tongue out at me, playfully. "This just happens to be the one thing you're a pro at, compared to me."
"The one thing? There are plenty of things."
"Mmm... name three."
"Well, there's tennis." He nodded his head. "And I'm probably better at mixing drinks." He cocked an eyebrow because he knew that was true, too. "I can't say for sure, because I don't know your experience, but I would also say I'm better at going down..."
He cleared his throat loudly, cutting me off, and greeted the two nail techs that were heading towards us. He still hadn't completely submerged his feet, and lady grabbed his feet, tilted her head at him and asked, "You scared of water?"
He blushed slightly. "Oh, no! No, no. I just..."
I laughed again. I had no idea why he was so scared of getting a pedicure, but it was literally cracking me up. "Aaron. Seriously, you're making this awkward!" I teased.
He dropped his feet into the water then, splashing some outside of the tub.
The rest of the pedicures went by smoothly, with us laughing and teasing each other, and the nail techs joining in.
For dinner we went to a new place in town that serves farm to table food, and is on the fancier side. We got stuffed bison bites as an appetizer and split a surf and turf entree (ribeye with lobster hollandaise, asparagus, and roasted fingerling potatoes). It was probably the best plate of food I'd had in my entire life.
Even though it was a little late by the time we got out, we decided to go see a movie. We saw Deadpool. And I surprisingly really liked it. I let Aaron pick a movie he really wanted to see, and I didn't expect to like it. And I did.
When we got back to my house, Aaron walked me to my front door. When I unlocked it, I looked at him awkwardly. We hadn't had sex since his disclosure to me, and I was still trying to build that bit of trust back that I felt a little betrayed. It was something I was working on. He didn't look at me any differently than he normally did. It seemed he could already tell how I felt.
He leaned down and kissed me lightly, though passionately, on my lips. "I love you, Aleah."
"I love you, too." I paused, then continued. "Do you want to come in?"
He grabbed my shoulders and squeezed. He leaned down and kissed my forehead. "Not tonight." He looked at me knowingly. "May I see you tomorrow, though?"
I nodded my head, afraid to talk. I was feeling super emotional all of a sudden. A mixture of guilt that I couldn't sleep with him, yet, and also sadness that he knew I was struggling with that, plus gratitude that I had a man who loved me so much to respect how I felt.
He kissed me one more time and told me goodnight, and got in his car and left.
Monday, February 8, 2016
"Sunny"
My hands were sweaty, I was actually nervous. I still hadn't spoken with Aaron, up until earlier in the day, but I had a plan.
It was Friday night, it was a week and a half since we had talked, and I was thankful when I called him earlier in the day that he didn't have plans and was available. I had asked him to be at my house at 9 p.m., and to dress warm.
It was 8:58 and I had been checking my phone's clock approximately ever 7 seconds. Time just seemed to be moving so slowly. I was pacing right inside my front door in the entrance way. I heard a car door shut and I ran over to the living room and looked to see the faint view of Aaron in my front porch light walking up to the door. I ran over to the door, smoothing down my sweatshirt in the front, and shoving my phone into the front pocket.
I waited until he knocked, counted to 5 so it wouldn't be creepy of me to fling the door open at the same time, then opened the door.
Apparently I had been holding my breath, and it came rushing out at the sight of him. He gave me a tired, half-smile, and I smiled shyly back at him, moving out of the way so he could enter. He hesitated before gently grabbing my upper arms with his hands and bending down to kiss my cheek. I reached up and put my hand on his cheek.
"It's really good to see you," I whispered.
"The same," he replied, genuinely.
I shut and locked the door, then grabbed his hand to lead him through my house. I took him out the back door into my privacy fenced backyard.
He paused when we got out there, causing me to stop since I still had his hand. "What's all this?"
I turned and smiled at him. "For you."
I had put out candles on my back porch, surrounding a few heavy blankets with two thermoses of hot chocolate, and a mini cake.
We sat down on the blankets. He grabbed my hands. "Aleah..."
I cut him off. "No, please let me talk first."
He nodded his head.
I looked at our clasped hands, unable to make eye contact. "Aaron, I'm so sorry I reacted the way I did. I needed time to process everything you said to me. I know that was probably difficult for you to share with me. I also know you were probably nervous how I was going to react, and I definitely didn't help the situation. I shouldn't have asked you to leave."
He nodded his head again, so I continued. "Aaron, I love you so much. I cannot imagine you not being in my life. You're my best friend. I have a lot of questions about everything you told me, but they can wait. The one thing I wanted to make sure you knew, was that I'm not going anywhere, and I want to work through this, with you. And I'm not opposed to going to your therapist with you to help process all of this."
He smiled and put both hands on either side of my face, pulling me close to him and kissing me gently on my lips. "Aleah, I missed you. I missed getting to kiss you." He kissed me again. "And, thank you."
He nodded his head over to the cake. "Did you make that?"
I blushed. "I did... sorry the writing is basically illegible on it. It's supposed to say ' Sorry.'" It looked like it said "Sunny." Completely opposite of the mood coming in.
He laughed. "It's okay. I love it." He paused. "So... this setup seems awfully familiar..." He trailed off, grinning mischievously at me.
"I was hoping you would remember! That night was a turning point for me in realizing I kinda liked you." I was referencing my birthday from over a year before when he had surprised me at school with hot chocolate and cupcakes.
"Kinda?" He teased.
I blushed again. "Yeah... kinda." I winked.
His expression turned serious, then. "Aleah, thank you. Seriously. You're right, it was really hard for me to open up to you like that, and it was hurtful that you asked me to leave, but I also knew that what I said hurt you. And I'm so sorry I hurt you. I never want to hurt you, or leave you like that, again. My actions disgusted me, and I was, and am, disappointed in myself, so I can't imagine how you feel. But I'm willing to spend the rest of my life making it up to you."
I still had tumultuous inner feelings, but I also felt more peace knowing I was going to work this out with him. We enjoyed the rest of the evening wrapped up in blankets outside in the chilly air, talking and catching up on what we'd missed the past couple weeks.
It was Friday night, it was a week and a half since we had talked, and I was thankful when I called him earlier in the day that he didn't have plans and was available. I had asked him to be at my house at 9 p.m., and to dress warm.
It was 8:58 and I had been checking my phone's clock approximately ever 7 seconds. Time just seemed to be moving so slowly. I was pacing right inside my front door in the entrance way. I heard a car door shut and I ran over to the living room and looked to see the faint view of Aaron in my front porch light walking up to the door. I ran over to the door, smoothing down my sweatshirt in the front, and shoving my phone into the front pocket.
I waited until he knocked, counted to 5 so it wouldn't be creepy of me to fling the door open at the same time, then opened the door.
Apparently I had been holding my breath, and it came rushing out at the sight of him. He gave me a tired, half-smile, and I smiled shyly back at him, moving out of the way so he could enter. He hesitated before gently grabbing my upper arms with his hands and bending down to kiss my cheek. I reached up and put my hand on his cheek.
"It's really good to see you," I whispered.
"The same," he replied, genuinely.
I shut and locked the door, then grabbed his hand to lead him through my house. I took him out the back door into my privacy fenced backyard.
He paused when we got out there, causing me to stop since I still had his hand. "What's all this?"
I turned and smiled at him. "For you."
I had put out candles on my back porch, surrounding a few heavy blankets with two thermoses of hot chocolate, and a mini cake.
We sat down on the blankets. He grabbed my hands. "Aleah..."
I cut him off. "No, please let me talk first."
He nodded his head.
I looked at our clasped hands, unable to make eye contact. "Aaron, I'm so sorry I reacted the way I did. I needed time to process everything you said to me. I know that was probably difficult for you to share with me. I also know you were probably nervous how I was going to react, and I definitely didn't help the situation. I shouldn't have asked you to leave."
He nodded his head again, so I continued. "Aaron, I love you so much. I cannot imagine you not being in my life. You're my best friend. I have a lot of questions about everything you told me, but they can wait. The one thing I wanted to make sure you knew, was that I'm not going anywhere, and I want to work through this, with you. And I'm not opposed to going to your therapist with you to help process all of this."
He smiled and put both hands on either side of my face, pulling me close to him and kissing me gently on my lips. "Aleah, I missed you. I missed getting to kiss you." He kissed me again. "And, thank you."
He nodded his head over to the cake. "Did you make that?"
I blushed. "I did... sorry the writing is basically illegible on it. It's supposed to say ' Sorry.'" It looked like it said "Sunny." Completely opposite of the mood coming in.
He laughed. "It's okay. I love it." He paused. "So... this setup seems awfully familiar..." He trailed off, grinning mischievously at me.
"I was hoping you would remember! That night was a turning point for me in realizing I kinda liked you." I was referencing my birthday from over a year before when he had surprised me at school with hot chocolate and cupcakes.
"Kinda?" He teased.
I blushed again. "Yeah... kinda." I winked.
His expression turned serious, then. "Aleah, thank you. Seriously. You're right, it was really hard for me to open up to you like that, and it was hurtful that you asked me to leave, but I also knew that what I said hurt you. And I'm so sorry I hurt you. I never want to hurt you, or leave you like that, again. My actions disgusted me, and I was, and am, disappointed in myself, so I can't imagine how you feel. But I'm willing to spend the rest of my life making it up to you."
I still had tumultuous inner feelings, but I also felt more peace knowing I was going to work this out with him. We enjoyed the rest of the evening wrapped up in blankets outside in the chilly air, talking and catching up on what we'd missed the past couple weeks.
Monday, February 1, 2016
Silent Tears
William, my work mentor/friend, had turned into my confidant over the past several weeks as Aaron and I had fought more and more, before the talk. We were heading an hour and a half away for a training, so I had spilled my life story to him. Well, really I had just spilled the conversation that Aaron and I had had.
William was driving, and I was staring out the window watching the trees go by. Silent tears were running down my face and I didn't want him to see me cry, so I kept my face turned out the window, wiping them away.
It had been almost a week since Aaron and I had spoken, and my thoughts and heart were tugging me in 50 different directions. I was confused.
I had talked to Sarah right after the talk, but no one else knew. I was kind of embarrassed to tell my parents or anyone else what kinds of things he had to do, but I also was ashamed that I was embarrassed. I just didn't want anyone looking at him differently... you know, in case I decided to stay with him.
Part of me wished Aaron was trying to contact me. But, a bigger part of me knew he was doing what I asked, leaving me alone and letting me have the time I needed to process. Truthfully, I didn't even know how to process. I was still seeing my therapist, Dean, but only every other week, now. I wasn't going to see him until later in the week, and so I hadn't had a chance to talk to him about everything with Aaron, either.
Sarah really wasn't much help, either. She tried to be supportive, but she had never dealt with anything like this, either, and she said she didn't know what she would do in my shoes. She said whatever I decided she would support me, but before I made any rash decisions, to really think it through and make sure it was what I really wanted. I could tell she was hurting along with me. For me.
William sighed. I wiped a stray tear and risked glancing at him. He was staring straight ahead. "That's a tough situation, Aleah."
I nodded my head, though he wasn't looking at me.
He continued, "Now that you've had some time to process, what do you think?"
"I... I'm not sure," I stammered. "I miss him so much. My heart just hurts constantly. My heart hurts for him, because I know that he's been hurting and I wasn't very supportive of him when he told me. My heart hurts for me, because selfishly, I do feel hurt and betrayed a little. My heart also hurts for what was, before he went undercover. I think I may even resent him a little for leaving me like that to go do what he did."
"But do you think he went into the job knowing it was going to lead down the road it did?"
"I doubt it. You know, I'm sure he didn't. He never would have compromised our relationship." I felt more confident in that statement than I had in any other thought I'd had about the situation.
"Do you miss him, or just having someone there?"
"Him," I replied, without missing a beat. "That is something I'm sure of."
The tears had stopped and I was now looking at William. We had arrived to the training building and he pulled into a parking spot. He turned to face me.
"Do you love him?"
"I do. So, so much."
"Is what his position made him do- in saving his job and doing what he needed to keep himself alive and safe- a deal breaker? Is it worth throwing your relationship away for something that I'm sure you know he would never do again."
I didn't answer William. I knew in my heart what I needed and wanted to do. And I could tell by William's expression, that he knew the answer, too.
William put his hand on my leg and patted it 3 times. He smiled. "Let's get into training and get this thing over with."
William was driving, and I was staring out the window watching the trees go by. Silent tears were running down my face and I didn't want him to see me cry, so I kept my face turned out the window, wiping them away.
It had been almost a week since Aaron and I had spoken, and my thoughts and heart were tugging me in 50 different directions. I was confused.
I had talked to Sarah right after the talk, but no one else knew. I was kind of embarrassed to tell my parents or anyone else what kinds of things he had to do, but I also was ashamed that I was embarrassed. I just didn't want anyone looking at him differently... you know, in case I decided to stay with him.
Part of me wished Aaron was trying to contact me. But, a bigger part of me knew he was doing what I asked, leaving me alone and letting me have the time I needed to process. Truthfully, I didn't even know how to process. I was still seeing my therapist, Dean, but only every other week, now. I wasn't going to see him until later in the week, and so I hadn't had a chance to talk to him about everything with Aaron, either.
Sarah really wasn't much help, either. She tried to be supportive, but she had never dealt with anything like this, either, and she said she didn't know what she would do in my shoes. She said whatever I decided she would support me, but before I made any rash decisions, to really think it through and make sure it was what I really wanted. I could tell she was hurting along with me. For me.
William sighed. I wiped a stray tear and risked glancing at him. He was staring straight ahead. "That's a tough situation, Aleah."
I nodded my head, though he wasn't looking at me.
He continued, "Now that you've had some time to process, what do you think?"
"I... I'm not sure," I stammered. "I miss him so much. My heart just hurts constantly. My heart hurts for him, because I know that he's been hurting and I wasn't very supportive of him when he told me. My heart hurts for me, because selfishly, I do feel hurt and betrayed a little. My heart also hurts for what was, before he went undercover. I think I may even resent him a little for leaving me like that to go do what he did."
"But do you think he went into the job knowing it was going to lead down the road it did?"
"I doubt it. You know, I'm sure he didn't. He never would have compromised our relationship." I felt more confident in that statement than I had in any other thought I'd had about the situation.
"Do you miss him, or just having someone there?"
"Him," I replied, without missing a beat. "That is something I'm sure of."
The tears had stopped and I was now looking at William. We had arrived to the training building and he pulled into a parking spot. He turned to face me.
"Do you love him?"
"I do. So, so much."
"Is what his position made him do- in saving his job and doing what he needed to keep himself alive and safe- a deal breaker? Is it worth throwing your relationship away for something that I'm sure you know he would never do again."
I didn't answer William. I knew in my heart what I needed and wanted to do. And I could tell by William's expression, that he knew the answer, too.
William put his hand on my leg and patted it 3 times. He smiled. "Let's get into training and get this thing over with."
Monday, January 25, 2016
We Need to Talk
And so it began.
"We need to talk."
Aaron was staring at his hands as he muttered the words. I could tell he was nervous, which wasn't like him. Every since he had come back from undercover, things hadn't been the same. He hadn't been the same.
I had tried to get him to open up to me, but he said he couldn't. He just wouldn't.
I was at a loss, and so the more he shut down, the more I grasped at the threads keeping our relationship together. We were both miserable, and in turn fighting constantly.
I could already feel the tears prickling my eyes. I knew where this conversation was going. Or, I thought I did, anyway.
"I know." I swiped at the lone tear that had escaped my eye and was trying to race it's way down the side of my nose.
We had been sitting on my couch watching tv in silence. Now it was muted, and I was staring blankly at the wall, past Aaron's head.
"I should have had this conversation with you months ago. I'm really sorry that I hadn't. My therapist had even offered to let me have it with you in his office, to act as a mediator. But, I couldn't do that to you."
He reached over and grabbed my limp, clammy hand, causing me to slightly startle, making eye contact with him.
There was something in his eyes that was foreign to me. I couldn't place what it was at first, but then it hit me. Fear.
I furrowed my brows at him. "Aaron, you're making me nervous."
"Aleah, I need to tell you the whole truth of what happened while I was undercover. And by the end, I don't know that you'll be able to look at me the same. I also don't know if you'll want to stay with me. If you don't, I won't fault you."
My stomach started churning. I didn't realize it was me who was going to have to make the decision. I had wanted to stand by his side through whatever had happened to him, and the moment that I had yearned for-him opening up to me- was finally happening, and now I almost didn't want it to. I didn't know if I really wanted the truth. I just wanted my boyfriend back.
All I could do was nod my head.
Then he told me the whole truth. And nothing but the truth. He had used coke, smoked weed, and popped all kinds of pills. He was close to drunk almost every night. He received head from multiple females. He had sex with one. He shot Tito and Tito's girlfriend. Brian (Aaron's undercover partner) was out of the hospital, but in physical therapy. He was shot up pretty badly. But he survived.
He said he had tried avoiding anything sexual with everything in him. Towards the end, Tito started questioning his loyalty and accusing him of having a girlfriend he wasn't being told about, or a "secret life" so he had to do things he knew he'd regret. He had used protection.
Tito's girlfriend had died from her wounds. Tito hadn't. He was locked up in seclusion, currently, awaiting trial.
By the time he was done, I was numb. I knew that he would have to do things that I would frown upon, but I didn't actually think he'd cheat on me. But, could I consider it cheating in this circumstance?
I knew he hadn't told me because what he'd done was hurting him, possibly more than it was actually hurting me, and he didn't want to inflict any of that pain on me. He didn't say that, but he didn't need to.
We sat in silence for a long time. I'm not sure exactly how long, but a long time.
Finally, he spoke. "Aleah, I had really thought that taking this job would give me invaluable experience, and help propel me upwards within the department. And it probably did and it might. But, what it did to me internally, and to you, and to us... no matter what happens with my job, it will never make up for that. I am so sorry, and nothing I can say or do, will ever show you how sorry I am."
I had ugly cried for most of what he told me. I couldn't help it. I knew that he was hurting. However, I was, too.
I didn't know what to say or do. So I said the only thing I could think of, in that moment. "Aaron, I think you need to leave."
"We need to talk."
Aaron was staring at his hands as he muttered the words. I could tell he was nervous, which wasn't like him. Every since he had come back from undercover, things hadn't been the same. He hadn't been the same.
I had tried to get him to open up to me, but he said he couldn't. He just wouldn't.
I was at a loss, and so the more he shut down, the more I grasped at the threads keeping our relationship together. We were both miserable, and in turn fighting constantly.
I could already feel the tears prickling my eyes. I knew where this conversation was going. Or, I thought I did, anyway.
"I know." I swiped at the lone tear that had escaped my eye and was trying to race it's way down the side of my nose.
We had been sitting on my couch watching tv in silence. Now it was muted, and I was staring blankly at the wall, past Aaron's head.
"I should have had this conversation with you months ago. I'm really sorry that I hadn't. My therapist had even offered to let me have it with you in his office, to act as a mediator. But, I couldn't do that to you."
He reached over and grabbed my limp, clammy hand, causing me to slightly startle, making eye contact with him.
There was something in his eyes that was foreign to me. I couldn't place what it was at first, but then it hit me. Fear.
I furrowed my brows at him. "Aaron, you're making me nervous."
"Aleah, I need to tell you the whole truth of what happened while I was undercover. And by the end, I don't know that you'll be able to look at me the same. I also don't know if you'll want to stay with me. If you don't, I won't fault you."
My stomach started churning. I didn't realize it was me who was going to have to make the decision. I had wanted to stand by his side through whatever had happened to him, and the moment that I had yearned for-him opening up to me- was finally happening, and now I almost didn't want it to. I didn't know if I really wanted the truth. I just wanted my boyfriend back.
All I could do was nod my head.
Then he told me the whole truth. And nothing but the truth. He had used coke, smoked weed, and popped all kinds of pills. He was close to drunk almost every night. He received head from multiple females. He had sex with one. He shot Tito and Tito's girlfriend. Brian (Aaron's undercover partner) was out of the hospital, but in physical therapy. He was shot up pretty badly. But he survived.
He said he had tried avoiding anything sexual with everything in him. Towards the end, Tito started questioning his loyalty and accusing him of having a girlfriend he wasn't being told about, or a "secret life" so he had to do things he knew he'd regret. He had used protection.
Tito's girlfriend had died from her wounds. Tito hadn't. He was locked up in seclusion, currently, awaiting trial.
By the time he was done, I was numb. I knew that he would have to do things that I would frown upon, but I didn't actually think he'd cheat on me. But, could I consider it cheating in this circumstance?
I knew he hadn't told me because what he'd done was hurting him, possibly more than it was actually hurting me, and he didn't want to inflict any of that pain on me. He didn't say that, but he didn't need to.
We sat in silence for a long time. I'm not sure exactly how long, but a long time.
Finally, he spoke. "Aleah, I had really thought that taking this job would give me invaluable experience, and help propel me upwards within the department. And it probably did and it might. But, what it did to me internally, and to you, and to us... no matter what happens with my job, it will never make up for that. I am so sorry, and nothing I can say or do, will ever show you how sorry I am."
I had ugly cried for most of what he told me. I couldn't help it. I knew that he was hurting. However, I was, too.
I didn't know what to say or do. So I said the only thing I could think of, in that moment. "Aaron, I think you need to leave."
Thursday, January 7, 2016
Wanted to give a quick update to everyone so you all know I'm alive and missing you/blogging. I'm moving the weekend of the 16th... eek! I'm excited because instead of being 40 minutes from my work I'll only be 10! Anyway, my time is being spent packing. So my plan, as of right now, is to be back to consistent blogging starting the 25th. See you all then!!
Thursday, December 10, 2015
Mean Girls
I shoved the glass door open hard, letting it close fast behind me, shutting out the whistling wind. It definitely didn't feel like December, but the wind was strong and angry. I shivered, questioning my choice in wardrobe. In other words, my lack of a jacket. This wasn't unusual, as I chose to wait until it was below freezing every year before finally convincing myself that outerwear was necessary.
I flipped through the various keys on my keyring until I found the one I needed, to let me into the innards of the office. I was finally at my "big girl" job. I had gotten the job at Child Protective Services and was going through their extensive training program, but I was actually in the office this week.
I trudged back through the cubicle farm until I found my own special plot, tucked in the back corner, with no windows in sight. All that was in my cubicle was a monitor, docking station which I'd be plugging my laptop onto shortly, a mouse, keyboard, and a large sheet of paper with "Welcome Aleah" printed on it in sterile permanent marker, with the names of my unit members autographed onto it.
All of my new coworkers had been nice enough, if not friendly. A lady who had been there the longest, named Shirley, when I was introduced to her on my first day in the office said, "I'll bother remembering your name once you've been here more than a year."
Well. Okay.
I threw my purse on a corner of my L-shaped desk and sat down hard in my chair. I put my laptop on the docking station and turned it on, and waited for it to purr to life. I leaned back and started scrolling through Facebook on my phone. I wouldn't start carrying my own caseload for another 2 months while I went through the training process, so I didn't have a lot to do except see if I received any new emails and waited for my mentor to arrive and decide what I was doing for the day.
"Knock, Knock!" a voice called out over my cubicle wall.
I grinned, despite myself. My mentor, William, sat in the cubicle next to me. He was tall (6'4"ish), with brown shaggy hair, built like a football player. Very solid. He was super goofy, and didn't take life too seriously. He was a really good looking guy, but you could tell he didn't see it, so he didn't have the arrogance that a lot of times comes with good looks. He wore a lot of Hawaiian print shirts (yes, even in December) that were too big for him.
He poked his head over the cubicle wall that separates us. "Hey kiddo."
I rolled my eyes at him. William was 5 years older than me, but you'd think he was 30 since he called me kiddo every time he saw me. "Hey!"
"We're heading out into the field in about a half hour. I have a bunch of investigations to initiate. You ready?"
"Sure am!"
And with that his face disappeared behind his cubicle wall again.
I got up to use the bathroom before heading out. On my way I passed two girls who work in my office- Stephanie and Mercedes- who didn't like me. It's not that they had ever said they didn't, but I could tell by the way they looked at me and stopped whispering when I approached. I was learning that being in an office was much like high school all over again.
After I was a couple cubicles past them, Mercedes called after me, "Hey, Aleah!"
I turned, hoping maybe they were actually being social. "Hey, girls!"
Stephanie rolled her eyes.
"I like your shoes," Mercedes began, dryly, "what brand are they?"
I looked down at my shoes. "Um, Diesel."
Mercedes crossed her arms over her chest. "Let me guess, Nordstrom rack?"
I frowned, having a feeling where this was going. "Actually, yes."
"Awww," Mercedes cooed, cocking her head to the side and smiling condescendingly at me. "That's so sweet. Your first big girl job, and you splurged on a pair of sale shoes?"
Stephanie laughed.
I fully turned my body to face the both of them at this point, and quickly looked them both up and down. Fashion was something I was actually knowledgeable about, and they may have been used to being mean girls and getting away with it, but that wasn't going to happen with me. I took a few steps towards them, so I was within arms' length of them. I reached out and lightly touched Stephanie's purse she had looped over her forearm. "Oh, Stephanie, where'd you get your purse?"
She puffed up her chest and spat, "Coach. You don't even know what Coach is?"
I quickly put my fingers up to my mouth and fake gasped. "Oh! Well, next time you want to walk around flaunting your Coach bag, you should make sure it isn't a fake." I was savvy enough to know the difference. And, even though I didn't even own one, I still had been around them a lot. Coach was actually my mom's bag of choice.
She opened her mouth to rebut, but I had already turned my attention to Mercedes. "And Mercedes... I really like your dress. Kate Spade, right?"
She nodded.
"Yeah, it was really popular. Two years ago."
She narrowed her eyes at me.
"Well, good chat. If you ever need some fashion tips, let me know!" I then turned on my heel and kept walking to the bathroom.
Once I was safe in the bathroom, I checked and made sure the stalls were all empty, and I took a few deep breaths. I leaned on the counter, studying myself in the mirror. My legs were shaking slightly. I hated being bitchy.
But I also hated being walked all over.
I scooped some water up and into my mouth, went to the bathroom, and took my time washing my hands. Once I felt I could walk without trembling, I left the bathroom, and noted the Bitch Squad was no where in sight.
~~~~~~~
Once I got home, I collapsed onto my couch.
My phone started ringing and I saw it was my dad calling. I hit ignore. I didn't feel like talking. I felt tired.
He called back again, immediately. I sighed. "Hello?"
"Aleah..." my dad's voice was shaky. "I just found out grandpa was given only a day or two to live."
I'm posting this a little early, as a thank you for your patience. The comments left about your excitement for my return were so sweet, and much needed. I was honestly considering, as of today, to postpone my return until January. I've had 3 of the most discouraging and saddening weeks of my life. The next few posts may reflect that, as I'm healing and my writing will help me do that, I believe. The day after I posted my last update post, I received a call from my uncle that my grandpa (dad's dad) had a day or two to live. All of my family resides about 10 hours away from where I live, plus I was 2 hours away from home out of town for a training for work. I left and drove there that night and got to see him before he passed, early morning the Sunday after. While there, I got to visit all of my extended family. Last week on Wednesday my grandma passed away (mom's mom). And last Friday (on my birthday!), I was in a car accident that totaled my car. It's been a rough, unbelievable, few weeks. So, this is just to reiterate how much the sweet comments meant to me. I'm excited to return and have missed you all! I can't promise a consistent schedule right now, but I will attempt to post again, soon.
I also promise everything that was left off will be addressed. I am picking up in current time, though, and needed to transition and put a few new characters into the story, so this was the ideal way to do it.
I flipped through the various keys on my keyring until I found the one I needed, to let me into the innards of the office. I was finally at my "big girl" job. I had gotten the job at Child Protective Services and was going through their extensive training program, but I was actually in the office this week.
I trudged back through the cubicle farm until I found my own special plot, tucked in the back corner, with no windows in sight. All that was in my cubicle was a monitor, docking station which I'd be plugging my laptop onto shortly, a mouse, keyboard, and a large sheet of paper with "Welcome Aleah" printed on it in sterile permanent marker, with the names of my unit members autographed onto it.
All of my new coworkers had been nice enough, if not friendly. A lady who had been there the longest, named Shirley, when I was introduced to her on my first day in the office said, "I'll bother remembering your name once you've been here more than a year."
Well. Okay.
I threw my purse on a corner of my L-shaped desk and sat down hard in my chair. I put my laptop on the docking station and turned it on, and waited for it to purr to life. I leaned back and started scrolling through Facebook on my phone. I wouldn't start carrying my own caseload for another 2 months while I went through the training process, so I didn't have a lot to do except see if I received any new emails and waited for my mentor to arrive and decide what I was doing for the day.
"Knock, Knock!" a voice called out over my cubicle wall.
I grinned, despite myself. My mentor, William, sat in the cubicle next to me. He was tall (6'4"ish), with brown shaggy hair, built like a football player. Very solid. He was super goofy, and didn't take life too seriously. He was a really good looking guy, but you could tell he didn't see it, so he didn't have the arrogance that a lot of times comes with good looks. He wore a lot of Hawaiian print shirts (yes, even in December) that were too big for him.
He poked his head over the cubicle wall that separates us. "Hey kiddo."
I rolled my eyes at him. William was 5 years older than me, but you'd think he was 30 since he called me kiddo every time he saw me. "Hey!"
"We're heading out into the field in about a half hour. I have a bunch of investigations to initiate. You ready?"
"Sure am!"
And with that his face disappeared behind his cubicle wall again.
I got up to use the bathroom before heading out. On my way I passed two girls who work in my office- Stephanie and Mercedes- who didn't like me. It's not that they had ever said they didn't, but I could tell by the way they looked at me and stopped whispering when I approached. I was learning that being in an office was much like high school all over again.
After I was a couple cubicles past them, Mercedes called after me, "Hey, Aleah!"
I turned, hoping maybe they were actually being social. "Hey, girls!"
Stephanie rolled her eyes.
"I like your shoes," Mercedes began, dryly, "what brand are they?"
I looked down at my shoes. "Um, Diesel."
Mercedes crossed her arms over her chest. "Let me guess, Nordstrom rack?"
I frowned, having a feeling where this was going. "Actually, yes."
"Awww," Mercedes cooed, cocking her head to the side and smiling condescendingly at me. "That's so sweet. Your first big girl job, and you splurged on a pair of sale shoes?"
Stephanie laughed.
I fully turned my body to face the both of them at this point, and quickly looked them both up and down. Fashion was something I was actually knowledgeable about, and they may have been used to being mean girls and getting away with it, but that wasn't going to happen with me. I took a few steps towards them, so I was within arms' length of them. I reached out and lightly touched Stephanie's purse she had looped over her forearm. "Oh, Stephanie, where'd you get your purse?"
She puffed up her chest and spat, "Coach. You don't even know what Coach is?"
I quickly put my fingers up to my mouth and fake gasped. "Oh! Well, next time you want to walk around flaunting your Coach bag, you should make sure it isn't a fake." I was savvy enough to know the difference. And, even though I didn't even own one, I still had been around them a lot. Coach was actually my mom's bag of choice.
She opened her mouth to rebut, but I had already turned my attention to Mercedes. "And Mercedes... I really like your dress. Kate Spade, right?"
She nodded.
"Yeah, it was really popular. Two years ago."
She narrowed her eyes at me.
"Well, good chat. If you ever need some fashion tips, let me know!" I then turned on my heel and kept walking to the bathroom.
Once I was safe in the bathroom, I checked and made sure the stalls were all empty, and I took a few deep breaths. I leaned on the counter, studying myself in the mirror. My legs were shaking slightly. I hated being bitchy.
But I also hated being walked all over.
I scooped some water up and into my mouth, went to the bathroom, and took my time washing my hands. Once I felt I could walk without trembling, I left the bathroom, and noted the Bitch Squad was no where in sight.
~~~~~~~
Once I got home, I collapsed onto my couch.
My phone started ringing and I saw it was my dad calling. I hit ignore. I didn't feel like talking. I felt tired.
He called back again, immediately. I sighed. "Hello?"
"Aleah..." my dad's voice was shaky. "I just found out grandpa was given only a day or two to live."
************************Author's Note************************
I'm posting this a little early, as a thank you for your patience. The comments left about your excitement for my return were so sweet, and much needed. I was honestly considering, as of today, to postpone my return until January. I've had 3 of the most discouraging and saddening weeks of my life. The next few posts may reflect that, as I'm healing and my writing will help me do that, I believe. The day after I posted my last update post, I received a call from my uncle that my grandpa (dad's dad) had a day or two to live. All of my family resides about 10 hours away from where I live, plus I was 2 hours away from home out of town for a training for work. I left and drove there that night and got to see him before he passed, early morning the Sunday after. While there, I got to visit all of my extended family. Last week on Wednesday my grandma passed away (mom's mom). And last Friday (on my birthday!), I was in a car accident that totaled my car. It's been a rough, unbelievable, few weeks. So, this is just to reiterate how much the sweet comments meant to me. I'm excited to return and have missed you all! I can't promise a consistent schedule right now, but I will attempt to post again, soon.
I also promise everything that was left off will be addressed. I am picking up in current time, though, and needed to transition and put a few new characters into the story, so this was the ideal way to do it.
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