Annual Barbeque

I sighed and rearranged some flowers in the one of the many vases that were spread out among tables.  I looked around at the table-clothed card tables, purposefully arranged under a large open-sided canopy.


I dropped my hands to my sides, closed my eyes, and breathed deeply, then exhaled slowly.   I was soaking in the 80 degrees, absolutely loving the sunny weather.  I opened my eyes and observed the country scenery outside of the canopy.


I felt hand rest on my hips, then, and slide around to my stomach.  "Well, hello, my love," Aaron's voice whispered in my ear, his lips lightly pressed against my ear.  "It looks really nice out here!"


I rolled my eyes and turned in Aaron's embrace to face him.  I kissed him on his cheek.  "Yeah, well, you know my parents.  Go big or go home. I still can't believe they insisted on this."


He feigned shock.  "You mean, most parents don't throw 'conviction parties' for their child?"


"You know, that's a good point," I playfully punched his arm.  "More people should have big parties when their child's batterer slash almost rapist slash stalker gets sentenced to the slammer for 80 years."


He intertwined his fingers in mine and we started walking up towards my parents' house.  "Well, I don't believe that was the wording on the invite."


I sighed again.  "Oh I know.  They're calling it their annual summer barbeque.  However," I stopped in my tracks and grabbed both of Aaron's hands, "it is a little suspicious that they haven't had this barbeque since the summer after my senior year of high school.  It's just going to be awkward because of how blown up the trial ended up being in the news.  Everyone knows, and I'm hoping no one will ask."


He placed both hands on either side of my face, kissing my forehead.  "Well, you just give me the look, and I will come rushing to your aide."  He winked at me. 


I laughed and we headed inside my parents' house to see what we could help with.

~~~~~~~

"Hey, lady!" Sarah called out to me.  I grinned at her.  "Annual barbeque, huh?"

"I guess expect an invite next year, since it's now annual!"

She laughed.  She side nodded her head towards the guy at her side, and she blushed.  "Aleah, this is Justin."

"Ah!  So this is the infamous Justin!  I've heard so much about you," I teased as I obviously winked three times at Sarah.

"Aleah!"  Her blush deepened.

"Well, I sure hope they were all good things!  Aleah, it's nice to meet you."  Justin's voice was silky smooth and he stuck out his hand to shake mine. 

Since Sarah's breakup with Matt, she'd had a hard time, but Justin was a co-worker that had been her shoulder to cry on.  I hadn't been the best friend, nor roommate, because of everything I was dealing with.  Apparently they had just become "officially exclusive" the night before, and I hadn't met him, yet.  She had just signed a lease for a rental house, and was going to be on her own within the next couple of weeks.  At first I was really hurt and thought she was moving out because of how crappy a friend I had been.  Turns out, that wasn't the case at all, I found out later.

*** Two Weeks Prior***

"I promise this won't take long, Aleah." 

I was annoyed.  Aaron and I were supposed to be going to dinner and we had reservations.  It was a newly opened restaurant that I'd been dying to try.  He insisted on stopping by the detective's bureau because he "forgot to do something that would only take a minute."  He had stationed me at his desk.

I pulled out my phone and started scrolling through Facebook, hoping that whatever he needed to do would really only take a minute.  I crossed my leg and admired my new Michael Kors heels I had just splurged on.  I loved them.  I set my phone on his desk and leaned down to rub a smudge of dirt on the side I must've accumulated somehow, already.

When I looked up, Aaron was standing in front of me with one of his hands behind his back.  I narrowed my eyes at him suspiciously.  "So, whatcha doin?"

He reached out with his visible hand and pulled me up to him.  He withdrew his hidden hand and produced a single red rose.  A smile started to warm my face.  "Aleah, I need to ask you something."

I felt butterflies in my stomach.  I wasn't sure where he was going with this.  And his apparent nervousness etched all across his face wasn't easing those butterflies.

"Aleah, the reason I brought you here, to my office," he flourished his hands around, "is because this is the very first place we ever met, when you were in here visiting Brad.  I don't want this place tainted with negative memories and thoughts because of why you were here and because of what my job required of both of us.  I love you, and want to wake up to you every morning, and would love for you to be the last thing I see before I go to bed every night.  So, Aleah, will you move in with me?"  He grinned hopefully at me. 

"Oh, Aaron, I would love to!"  As he handed me the rose, that's when I noticed a key tied with a delicate white ribbon to the stem of the rose.

Fast forward a couple hours to dinner, and it turned out Sarah wasn't moving out.  She was going to rent my house from my parents.  Aaron had already discussed it with her and my father. 

"I still have so much packing to do!" I exclaimed to Sarah.

"This weekend, we will have a packing party.  You know, I'll help.  I'm sure we can convince Aaron and Justin to help, too, with the persuasion of pizza and beer."

Justin chimed in, "Pizza and beer?  I have no idea what you guys were talking about before that, but whatever it is, I'm in!"

Aaron who had just walked up and introduced himself to Justin added, "I'm on-call this weekend, but as long as I'm not called out, you know I'll be up there!"

I smiled at all of them.  "You guys are the best.  I'm going to call Victoria, Maddie, and Elena, too, and see if they would want to join in."

I heard a voice sing out from behind me, "My ears are ringing!"

I hugged Victoria, welcoming her to the party.  We made small talk, and went through the normal greetings.  Victoria lightly gripped my upper arm and quietly asked if she could pull me aside for a minute.

I followed her just outside the edge of the canopy.  "Hey, Aleah, I know this is the last thing you probably want to talk about, but I just wanted to tell you I'm so happy that Luke was convicted and sentenced for as long as he was.  I also wanted to tell you I'm sorry I was distant the past couple of months.  Going through everything was hard, and I've been unsettled. I had to do some of my own healing and working through all of the feelings from the past and present. I just am sorry I couldn't be here for you.  I..."

I cut her off.  "Victoria.  You do NOT need to apologize to me.  If anything, I should be thanking you.  I don't know that he would've gotten such a tough sentence had you not testified against him.  I don't know if there's anything I could ever do to repay you."

She looked down at her feet.  "It was nothing Aleah.  I was happy to do it.  I'm thankful for the friendship that we've started growing.  You have been more of a friend to me over the past year, and been there for me more than Luke ever truly was."

"Victoria, you deserved to be treated better.  Luke is the most manipulative person I've ever met, and I'm glad we both are rid of him.  However, I also am sorry these circumstances are what started our friendship."

She hugged me, and I hugged her back tightly.  I don't know that Victoria and I would ever be best friends, but we definitely had a unique friendship that I had come to value.

"Who is that?" Victoria asked.

I turned my head to see a body coming out of the backdoor of the house.  I squinted against the sun.  "Well, I'll be..." I muttered.

There coming down the steps of the back porch was my brother.  "Tom!" I yelled at him and waved above my head.

He smiled and strode over to me.  He had grown up.  A lot.  Although he was still young.  He would be 21 this upcoming fall. 

"I didn't know you were coming home this summer!  Where's Miriam?"

"You, of all people, should know that I wouldn't miss mom and dad's 'annual barbeque,'" he air quoted.  We laughed.  "And Miriam and I broke up.  But no need to waste my breath over that right now.  Who's your friend?"

"Oh!  Sorry!  Tom, Victoria.  Victoria, Tom."  They shook hands. 

They started making small talk, but I wasn't hearing what they were saying.  Because at that time, I noticed another person coming down the stairs of the porch.

Zach.

"Excuse me, guys.  I need to go talk to someone," I said to Tom and Victoria, though I hadn't taken my eyes off of Zach, and I don't even know if Tom and Victoria heard me.

Zach looked good.  Really good.  Even though we had the last conversation we did where we parted ways, and even though I loved Aaron, there was still twang in my heart every time I saw him.  His hair had lightened in the sun, and he looked tan.

We made eye contact and he smiled.  He wrapped me into a tight hug.  "Aleah."

I smiled widely at him.  "Zach!  Don't tell me you came back just for this."

He chuckled.  "I didn't, though I definitely would have."  He ran his hand through his hair.  "So, how are you?"

I frowned at him.  "Zachary Andrews.  I know you a whole lot better than that.  What are you not telling me?"

"Can't get anything past you, Aleah.  I'm moving back home."

"Home?"

"Yeah.  Here.  I'll be starting med school in Omaha in the fall."

My heart skipped a beat.  "Oh!  That's... I mean, congratulations!

"Thanks, Aleah.  Maybe we can get together soon?"  He smiled, but his smile dropped and he looked past me.

I looked to see Aaron approaching us.  He walked up and put an arm around my shoulders.  They exchanged minimal pleasantries until Zach excused himself to go find his parents who were milling about.

~~~~~~~

I took a long sip of my mixed drink.  The party had all but faded as a memory into the evening.  The sun was setting, and Aaron and I were sitting on the steps of the porch, watching the day melt into night.  He was leaning back beside me, drinking a beer.  We were just sitting in silence, enjoying the perfection of the day.  Aaron grabbed my hand and pulled it back to his lips, and he kissed it lightly, holding it to his mouth for a few seconds. 

"Aleah?"

"Yes?"

"I love you, sweet girl."

"I love you, too.



this isn't goodbye

Hey all,

Firstly, I owe you all an apology.  I swore, in my head, that tonight was the night I was set to return, and for some reason I haven't been getting my comments to my email.  I don't know if I need to blame my phone or my email, yet. Otherwise, I would've realized my error.  But anyway, I'm sorry I didn't post last Monday like I said I would.

Secondly, I did a lot of thinking while on my break about my exchange with a few of the people after my last post about needing a brief break.  I know how much I've loved writing this story, and I know how much a lot of you have enjoyed reading it.  I'm so thankful for both.  Writing became an escape for me.  You all didn't even know how much you were there for me for the past (over) 2 years.  You all were unknowingly by my side as I went through my child's father being unfaithful to me, me moving almost 2 hours away from where I was living, our breakup, the diagnosis of my little one with cerebral palsy, the constant medical appointments, a car accident, the death of 2 of my grandparents within weeks of each other, my changing jobs, moving again to a better location, and gaining a second job.  There has been so much more in between, but those are the low "highlights."  It's funny because as I'm writing this I'm tearing up, partially from sadness and partially from joy.  I can't thank you for all of your support through these tumultuous two years. 

Really, I could've written a blog completely about my real life with everything that's happened!

I'm not done with Aleah's story, but I need to be temporarily done.  I'm planning on writing a closing post that will wrap up the pending stories that are out there.  I have an idea of what I want to write, but want to make sure I give you all the gift of a temporary closure.  So please let me know what all loose ends you want me to make sure I wrap up.

I've made this decision because while writing was such a release for me, the past few months it hasn't been.  It's been more stressful than anything.  I've had serious writer's block, having no idea where I want the story to go and struggling to get posts out.  I mean, in general I know where I want the story to go, but not in the near future.  I've continued posting for you all, and not for me.  And with doing that, I saw a decline in my writing.  My best writing is when I was writing for you all AND for me.  I want to enjoy telling Aleah's story again.  But right now, I don't have it in me.  I'm just now beginning to feel like a whole person again, healing from everything that has happened.

I would say a lot of it is because of how thin I've been stretched with how busy I've been caring for my (now) 3 year old, working 2 jobs, my primary one with longer hours than I was previously working, and trying to maintain a household by myself.  But, I think I've been emotionally drained, and I'm finally feeling relief.  Like a  weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

I absolutely want to carry on Aleah's story.  I just don't know if that will be a week from now, a month from now, or a year from now.  I will pick up on this site.  And depending on how long it is, I may jump ahead to the same time break that it will be.  I'll see.  But I want to get to a point where I have a reserved of posts, but also where I'm able to consistently post, and know where I want to go.  If all else fails, I have another storyline completely playing in my head.  We'll have to wait and see what story strikes.

All of this to say, sometime in the next couple of weeks I'll be posting my last post for awhile... we'll call it a season finale.

I promise to you all I will be back.  Please leave your comments as to anything you'd like me to clear up in the next post.  And my best suggestion is to either check back periodically, or to follow the blog so you'll know when a new post arrives.

Otherwise, you can always leave me a comment to check in (I will hopefully have comments sent to my email fixed here within the next few minutes), or you can email me at lifebyaleah@outlook.com.  I receive those emails directly to my phone, as well.  (My comments go to a different email address.)

I appreciate you all so much, and truthfully, I don't foresee my hiatus being super long (I know the writing bug will strike me soon... I'm guessing before the summer's end).

<3 Aleah

Drunkily

My work threw a Valentine's Day party (because why not?--and yes, it was a couple weeks late).  Like, the kind after hours where you invite your significant other.  And apparently where everyone gets insanely drunk and loves each other and is hugging.

Or turn slutty.

Or hateful.

It was held at one of the supervisors houses.  She's apparently married to a doctor so they aren't hurting in the money department.  And their house shows it.

I thought since I was new, I should make an appearance. 

Aaron and I showed up about an hour after it started.  You know, fashionably late.

Almost everyone who was there were doing shots.  Rumple Minze, to be exact.  Delicious, but oh so dangerous.  Three were immediately done back to back.  I didn't drink much anymore, so it hit me hard, and quickly.

The next game that started was Thunderstruck.  I played one game of that, and then it was time to go to the bathroom.  I tipsily tottered my way to the bathroom.  Aaron was chatting it up with William and another guy I worked with, so I felt comfortable leaving him.  Aaron seemed to get along well with William, which really made me happy since he was my best work friend.  Or, really, my only work friend at this point.

I got to the bathroom and the door was shut.  I knocked lightly.  Or, well, I thought I knocked lightly.  Let's just say drunk me thought I had knocked lightly.

"Who the fuck-" was the start of a bitchy tone as the door flung open, stopping only when Stephanie saw it was me.  She rolled her eyes.  "Of course."

She opened the door fully and Mercedes was also in the bathroom.  The two in the office who hate me.  Of course, I sarcastically thought in my head.

Mercedes sweetly asked, "Aleah, is that your boyfriend out there?" Her eyes were wide as she gripped my forearm.

I yanked my arm away.  "Yes."  I scowled at her.

Her eyes widened and she leaned towards me.  "He is so fucking hot."

I half grinned at her.  "Why yes, yes he is.  And he feels that same way about me!"

"Well, isn't that a miracle," Stephanie snipped.

"I am lucky, that's for sure," I grinned innocently at her.  I put my hand on the door frame to steady myself, then, because the room was slightly spinning.  "Now, excuse me, I have to use the bathroom."

I pushed past them, shutting and locking the door. 

Before leaving the bathroom I leaned into the mirror and studied my complexion, wiping away any eyeliner that was smudging.  Then I giggled at myself in the mirror.  Because, there's nothing funnier when drunk than looking at yourself closely.

When I flung the door open, William was standing there leaning against the wall.  "Oh, hey!" I happily greeted him.

His arms were crossed across his chest.  He wasn't dressed in his usual Hawaiian print shirt.  He had on a button down and jeans.  Relatively dressed up, for him.  "Having fun?" He cocked an eyebrow at me. 

"Yes sir!  Where'd your wife go?" I hadn't met William's wife until this night, either.  His wife was a bit older than him and seemed... dull, compared to him. 

He shrugged his shoulders.  "I think she's chatting with some of the people not playing the drinking games."

I started to walk past him to go find Aaron when he lightly grabbed my upper arm to stop me.  "Hey, Aleah?"

"Yeah?"

"I really like Aaron.  He seems like a good guy.  I think you made a good decision."

I grinned broadly at him.  "Thanks."

I walked out to the area where everyone was and looked for Aaron.  I didn't see him anywhere.  I stopped to chat with a few people but he still didn't appear. 

I walked through the kitchen area out onto the three seasons porch, which was being heated currently by some fancy stand-up heaters.

Standing at the other end of the porch was Aaron, casually leaning up against a pillar, with Stephanie and Mercedes cornering him.  They were all laughing.  Well, Aaron was laughing and Stephanie and Mercedes were over-the-top giggling, while twirling their hair.

I raised an eyebrow and started making my way over to them, slowly and drunkily.

I'm Not Going To Sugarcoat It

"Aleah, thank you so much for joining us," Aaron's therapist, Steve, warmly grasped my hand with both of his.

I smiled timidly, hoping he wouldn't notice how clammy my hand was.  I was really comfortable with my therapist, Dean, but this was a whole new ballgame, in my mind.  "Thanks for having me."

I settled onto the loveseat next to Aaron, and he reached over and gave my knee a squeeze.

"I know Aaron has told you a little bit about his sessions, and I'm really happy you decided to come today.  It means a lot to Aaron, as I know he loves you and wants your relationship to be healthy and functioning at its peak level."

I nodded my head.

He continued, "So, would you please tell me your understanding of why you've joined us?  Also, what lead you to decide to join us, too."

I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.  I really wished it was Dean we were meeting with.  I knew this was about Aaron, though, and our relationship, not me and my issues.  That was what my session with Dean were for.  "Well..." I trailed off and furrowed my eyebrows.  I glanced over at Aaron.  I was fully intending to be honest, but a part of me wanted to give a watered down version.  Aaron was looking at my neutrally, but expectantly.  I decided to be fully honest.  The whole, ugly truth.  "I'm here because of what happened with Aaron while he was undercover, so we can address all of that, I believe.  And I decided to come today to save our relationship.  I'm really struggling with what happened, but I love Aaron, deeply.  I want to be with him, and I want to fully trust him again, too.  And also, like you said, I want our relationship to be healthy.  I miss how we were."

Steve smiled gently.  "Excellent.  Now, since I don't know you from your own perspective, could you tell me a little bit about yourself, your family, and how you and Aaron met?"

And that is how the rest of the hour was spent, was me talking about me.  Apparently I'm good at that, since it took about 45 minutes.

Afterwards, we went out to eat. 

While at dinner, Aaron approached a subject I wasn't expecting.

"Next month is my mom's birthday, and I was thinking about flying out to Chicago for an extended weekend to see her.  I'd really like it if you'd come with me, but I understand if you don't want to."

I smiled broadly at him.  "Of course I'd love to.  I really like your mom."

"Well, there's a catch."  A smile played at his lips.

I fake glared at him.  "Yes?"

"You'd be meeting all of my sisters, too."

"If they're anything like you and your mom, I'm sure I'll love them, too."

"Honestly, they're not.  Well, a few of them are, but not all.  But I'm not going to sugarcoat it and say they are all pleasant."

"Oh, well, in that case..." I trailed off, and could see the quick flash of disappointment on his face.  "I'm teasing.  Of course I'll go.  Even if your sisters aren't all pleasant, in your words, I would still like to get to know your family even better."

He reached across the table and grabbed my hands.  "Thank you.  Really.  I'm so excited to go back and see them."

"Well, if you're excited, I'm excited, too," I laughed.  But on the inside, I was a little nervous by his slight warning.

Date Night

I slowly dipped my feet into the perfectly hot water and leaned my head back against the chair, closing my eyes.  I smiled to myself, then turned my head and opened my eyes to watch Aaron tentatively dipping one toe into the water.  I laughed out loud at his hesitation.  For as good care as he takes of himself, he had never had a pedicure.

We were trying to get back to being us.  So we were having a Friday night date night.  Just the two of us.  He had picked me up at my house after we each got off work.  On the agenda:  Pedicures, dinner, and possibly a movie, pending how long the other two events lasted.

I had picked out a mint green color for my toes.  I was big on mint green and gold right now.  Aaron, obviously, was not having a color put onto his toes, though I had tried to convince him to, because I thought it would be funny.

"Just stick your feet in the water.  You're being weird," I laughed at him.

He stuck his tongue out at me, playfully.  "This just happens to be the one thing you're a pro at, compared to me."

"The one thing?  There are plenty of things."

"Mmm... name three."

"Well, there's tennis."  He nodded his head.  "And I'm probably better at mixing drinks."  He cocked an eyebrow because he knew that was true, too.  "I can't say for sure, because I don't know your experience, but I would also say I'm better at going down..."

He cleared his throat loudly, cutting me off, and greeted the two nail techs that were heading towards us.  He still hadn't completely submerged his feet, and lady grabbed his feet, tilted her head at him and asked, "You scared of water?"

He blushed slightly.  "Oh, no!  No, no.  I just..."

I laughed again.  I had no idea why he was so scared of getting a pedicure, but it was literally cracking me up.  "Aaron.  Seriously, you're making this awkward!" I teased.

He dropped his feet into the water then, splashing some outside of the tub.

The rest of the pedicures went by smoothly, with us laughing and teasing each other, and the nail techs joining in.

For dinner we went to a new place in town that serves farm to table food, and is on the fancier side.  We got  stuffed bison bites as an appetizer and split a surf and turf entree (ribeye with lobster hollandaise, asparagus, and roasted fingerling potatoes).  It was probably the best plate of food I'd had in my entire life. 

Even though it was a little late by the time we got out, we decided to go see a movie.  We saw Deadpool.  And I surprisingly really liked it.  I let Aaron pick a movie he really wanted to see, and I didn't expect to like it.  And I did.

When we got back to my house, Aaron walked me to my front door.  When I unlocked it, I looked at him awkwardly.  We hadn't had sex since his disclosure to me, and I was still trying to build that bit of trust back that I felt a little betrayed.  It was something I was working on.  He didn't look at me any differently than he normally did. It seemed he could already tell how I felt.

He leaned down and kissed me lightly, though passionately, on my lips.  "I love you, Aleah."

"I love you, too."  I paused, then continued.  "Do you want to come in?"

He grabbed my shoulders and squeezed.  He leaned down and kissed my forehead.  "Not tonight."  He looked at me knowingly.  "May I see you tomorrow, though?"

I nodded my head, afraid to talk.  I was feeling super emotional all of a sudden.  A mixture of guilt that I couldn't sleep with him, yet, and also sadness that he knew I was struggling with that, plus gratitude that I had a man who loved me so much to respect how I felt.

He kissed me one more time and told me goodnight, and got in his car and left.

"Sunny"

My hands were sweaty, I was actually nervous.  I still hadn't spoken with Aaron, up until earlier in the day, but I had a plan.

It was Friday night, it was a week and a half since we had talked, and I was thankful when I called him earlier in the day that he didn't have plans and was available.  I had asked him to be at my house at 9 p.m., and to dress warm.

It was 8:58 and I had been checking my phone's clock approximately ever 7 seconds.  Time just seemed to be moving so slowly.  I was pacing right inside my front door in the entrance way.  I heard a car door shut and I ran over to the living room and looked to see the faint view of Aaron in my front porch light walking up to the door.  I ran over to the door, smoothing down my sweatshirt in the front, and shoving my phone into the front pocket.

I waited until he knocked, counted to 5 so it wouldn't be creepy of me to fling the door open at the same time, then opened the door.

Apparently I had been holding my breath, and it came rushing out at the sight of him.  He gave me a tired, half-smile, and I smiled shyly back at him, moving out of the way so he could enter.  He hesitated before gently grabbing my upper arms with his hands and bending down to kiss my cheek.  I reached up and put my hand on his cheek.

"It's really good to see you," I whispered.

"The same," he replied, genuinely.

I shut and locked the door, then grabbed his hand to lead him through my house.  I took him out the back door into my privacy fenced backyard.

He paused when we got out there, causing me to stop since I still had his hand.  "What's all this?"

I turned and smiled at him.  "For you."

I had put out candles on my back porch, surrounding a few heavy blankets with two thermoses of hot chocolate, and a mini cake.

We sat down on the blankets.  He grabbed my hands.  "Aleah..."

I cut him off.  "No, please let me talk first."

He nodded his head.

I looked at our clasped hands, unable to make eye contact.  "Aaron, I'm so sorry I reacted the way I did.  I needed time to process everything you said to me.  I know that was probably difficult for you to share with me.  I also know you were probably nervous how I was going to react, and I definitely didn't help the situation.  I shouldn't have asked you to leave."

He nodded his head again, so I continued.  "Aaron, I love you so much.  I cannot imagine you not being in my life.  You're my best friend.  I have a lot of questions about everything you told me, but they can wait.  The one thing I wanted to make sure you knew, was that I'm not going anywhere, and I want to work through this, with you.  And I'm not opposed to going to your therapist with you to help process all of this."

He smiled and put both hands on either side of my face, pulling me close to him and kissing me gently on my lips.  "Aleah, I missed you.  I missed getting to kiss you."  He kissed me again.  "And, thank you."

He nodded his head over to the cake.  "Did you make that?"

I blushed.  "I did... sorry the writing is basically illegible on it.  It's supposed to say ' Sorry.'"  It looked like it said "Sunny."  Completely opposite of the mood coming in.

He laughed.  "It's okay.  I love it."  He paused.  "So... this setup seems awfully familiar..." He trailed off, grinning mischievously at me.

"I was hoping you would remember!  That night was a turning point for me in realizing I kinda liked you."  I was referencing my birthday from over a year before when he had surprised me at school with hot chocolate and cupcakes.

"Kinda?" He teased.

I blushed again.  "Yeah... kinda." I winked.

His expression turned serious, then.  "Aleah, thank you.  Seriously.  You're right, it was really hard for me to open up to you like that, and it was hurtful that you asked me to leave, but I also knew that what I said hurt you.  And I'm so sorry I hurt you.  I never want to hurt you, or leave you like that, again.  My actions disgusted me, and I was, and am, disappointed in myself, so I can't imagine how you feel.  But I'm willing to spend the rest of my life making it up to you."

I still had tumultuous inner feelings, but I also felt more peace knowing I was going to work this out with him.  We enjoyed the rest of the evening wrapped up in blankets outside in the chilly air, talking and catching up on what we'd missed the past couple weeks.

Silent Tears

William, my work mentor/friend, had turned into my confidant over the past several weeks as Aaron and I had fought more and more, before the talk.  We were heading an hour and a half away for a training, so I had spilled my life story to him.  Well, really I had just spilled the conversation that Aaron and I had had.

William was driving, and I was staring out the window watching the trees go by.  Silent tears were running down my face and I didn't want him to see me cry, so I kept my face turned out the window, wiping them away.

It had been almost a week since Aaron and I had spoken, and my thoughts and heart were tugging me in 50 different directions.  I was confused.

I had talked to Sarah right after the talk, but no one else knew.  I was kind of embarrassed to tell my parents or anyone else what kinds of things he had to do, but I also was ashamed that I was embarrassed.  I just didn't want anyone looking at him differently... you know, in case I decided to stay with him.

Part of me wished Aaron was trying to contact me.  But, a bigger part of me knew he was doing what I asked, leaving me alone and letting me have the time I needed to process.  Truthfully, I didn't even know how to process.  I was still seeing my therapist, Dean, but only every other week, now.  I wasn't going to see him until later in the week, and so I hadn't had a chance to talk to him about everything with Aaron, either.

Sarah really wasn't much help, either.  She tried to be supportive, but she had never dealt with anything like this, either, and she said she didn't know what she would do in my shoes.  She said whatever I decided she would support me, but before I made any rash decisions, to really think it through and make sure it was what I really wanted.  I could tell she was hurting along with me.  For me. 

William sighed.  I wiped a stray tear and risked glancing at him.  He was staring straight ahead.  "That's a tough situation, Aleah."

I nodded my head, though he wasn't looking at me.

He continued, "Now that you've had some time to process, what do you think?"

"I... I'm not sure," I stammered.  "I miss him so much.  My heart just hurts constantly.  My heart hurts for him, because I know that he's been hurting and I wasn't very supportive of him when he told me.  My heart hurts for me, because selfishly, I do feel hurt and betrayed a little.  My heart also hurts for what was, before he went undercover.  I think I may even resent him a little for leaving me like that to go do what he did."

"But do you think he went into the job knowing it was going to lead down the road it did?"

"I doubt it.  You know, I'm sure he didn't.  He never would have compromised our relationship."  I felt more confident in that statement than I had in any other thought I'd had about the situation.

"Do you miss him, or just having someone there?"

"Him," I replied, without missing a beat.  "That is something I'm sure of."

The tears had stopped and I was now looking at William.  We had arrived to the training building and he pulled into a parking spot.  He turned to face me.

"Do you love him?"

"I do.  So, so much."

"Is what his position made him do- in saving his job and doing what he needed to keep himself alive and safe- a deal breaker?  Is it worth throwing your relationship away for something that I'm sure you know he would never do again."

I didn't answer William.  I knew in my heart what I needed and wanted to do.  And I could tell by William's expression, that he knew the answer, too.

William put his hand on my leg and patted it 3 times.  He smiled.  "Let's get into training and get this thing over with."