We Need to Talk

And so it began.

"We need to talk."

Aaron was staring at his hands as he muttered the words. I could tell he was nervous, which wasn't like him.  Every since he had come back from undercover, things hadn't been the same.  He hadn't been the same.

I had tried to get him to open up to me, but he said he couldn't.  He just wouldn't.

I was at a loss, and so the more he shut down, the more I grasped at the threads keeping our relationship together.  We were both miserable, and in turn fighting constantly.

I could already feel the tears prickling my eyes.  I knew where this conversation was going.  Or, I thought I did, anyway.

"I know."  I swiped at the lone tear that had escaped my eye and was trying to race it's way down the side of my nose.

We had been sitting on my couch watching tv in silence.  Now it was muted, and I was staring blankly at the wall, past Aaron's head.

"I should have had this conversation with you months ago.  I'm really sorry that I hadn't.  My therapist had even offered to let me have it with you in his office, to act as a mediator.  But, I couldn't do that to you."

He reached over and grabbed my limp, clammy hand, causing me to slightly startle, making eye contact with him.

There was something in his eyes that was foreign to me.  I couldn't place what it was at first, but then it hit me.  Fear.

I furrowed my brows at him.  "Aaron, you're making me nervous."

"Aleah, I need to tell you the whole truth of what happened while I was undercover.  And by the end, I don't know that you'll be able to look at me the same.  I also don't know if you'll want to stay with me.  If you don't, I won't fault you."

My stomach started churning.  I didn't realize it was me who was going to have to make the decision.  I had wanted to stand by his side through whatever had happened to him, and the moment that I had yearned for-him opening up to me- was finally happening, and now I almost didn't want it to.  I didn't know if I really wanted the truth.  I just wanted my boyfriend back.

All I could do was nod my head.

Then he told me the whole truth.  And nothing but the truth.  He had used coke, smoked weed, and popped all kinds of pills.  He was close to drunk almost every night.  He received head from multiple females.  He had sex with one.  He shot Tito and Tito's girlfriend.  Brian (Aaron's undercover partner) was out of the hospital, but in physical therapy.  He was shot up pretty badly.  But he survived. 

He said he had tried avoiding anything sexual with everything in him.  Towards the end, Tito started questioning his loyalty and accusing him of having a girlfriend he wasn't being told about, or a "secret life" so he had to do things he knew he'd regret.  He had used protection.

Tito's girlfriend had died from her wounds.  Tito hadn't.  He was locked up in seclusion, currently, awaiting trial. 

By the time he was done, I was numb.  I knew that he would have to do things that I would frown upon, but I didn't actually think he'd cheat on me.  But, could I consider it cheating in this circumstance?

I knew he hadn't told me because what he'd done was hurting him, possibly more than it was actually hurting me, and he didn't want to inflict any of that pain on me.  He didn't say that, but he didn't need to.

We sat in silence for a long time.  I'm not sure exactly how long, but a long time.

Finally, he spoke.  "Aleah, I had really thought that taking this job would give me invaluable experience, and help propel me upwards within the department.  And it probably did and it might.  But, what it did to me internally, and to you, and to us... no matter what happens with my job, it will never make up for that.  I am so sorry, and nothing I can say or do, will ever show you how sorry I am."

I had ugly cried for most of what he told me.  I couldn't help it.  I knew that he was hurting.  However, I was, too.

I didn't know what to say or do.  So I said the only thing I could think of, in that moment.  "Aaron, I think you need to leave."