Monday, January 25, 2016

We Need to Talk

And so it began.

"We need to talk."

Aaron was staring at his hands as he muttered the words. I could tell he was nervous, which wasn't like him.  Every since he had come back from undercover, things hadn't been the same.  He hadn't been the same.

I had tried to get him to open up to me, but he said he couldn't.  He just wouldn't.

I was at a loss, and so the more he shut down, the more I grasped at the threads keeping our relationship together.  We were both miserable, and in turn fighting constantly.

I could already feel the tears prickling my eyes.  I knew where this conversation was going.  Or, I thought I did, anyway.

"I know."  I swiped at the lone tear that had escaped my eye and was trying to race it's way down the side of my nose.

We had been sitting on my couch watching tv in silence.  Now it was muted, and I was staring blankly at the wall, past Aaron's head.

"I should have had this conversation with you months ago.  I'm really sorry that I hadn't.  My therapist had even offered to let me have it with you in his office, to act as a mediator.  But, I couldn't do that to you."

He reached over and grabbed my limp, clammy hand, causing me to slightly startle, making eye contact with him.

There was something in his eyes that was foreign to me.  I couldn't place what it was at first, but then it hit me.  Fear.

I furrowed my brows at him.  "Aaron, you're making me nervous."

"Aleah, I need to tell you the whole truth of what happened while I was undercover.  And by the end, I don't know that you'll be able to look at me the same.  I also don't know if you'll want to stay with me.  If you don't, I won't fault you."

My stomach started churning.  I didn't realize it was me who was going to have to make the decision.  I had wanted to stand by his side through whatever had happened to him, and the moment that I had yearned for-him opening up to me- was finally happening, and now I almost didn't want it to.  I didn't know if I really wanted the truth.  I just wanted my boyfriend back.

All I could do was nod my head.

Then he told me the whole truth.  And nothing but the truth.  He had used coke, smoked weed, and popped all kinds of pills.  He was close to drunk almost every night.  He received head from multiple females.  He had sex with one.  He shot Tito and Tito's girlfriend.  Brian (Aaron's undercover partner) was out of the hospital, but in physical therapy.  He was shot up pretty badly.  But he survived. 

He said he had tried avoiding anything sexual with everything in him.  Towards the end, Tito started questioning his loyalty and accusing him of having a girlfriend he wasn't being told about, or a "secret life" so he had to do things he knew he'd regret.  He had used protection.

Tito's girlfriend had died from her wounds.  Tito hadn't.  He was locked up in seclusion, currently, awaiting trial. 

By the time he was done, I was numb.  I knew that he would have to do things that I would frown upon, but I didn't actually think he'd cheat on me.  But, could I consider it cheating in this circumstance?

I knew he hadn't told me because what he'd done was hurting him, possibly more than it was actually hurting me, and he didn't want to inflict any of that pain on me.  He didn't say that, but he didn't need to.

We sat in silence for a long time.  I'm not sure exactly how long, but a long time.

Finally, he spoke.  "Aleah, I had really thought that taking this job would give me invaluable experience, and help propel me upwards within the department.  And it probably did and it might.  But, what it did to me internally, and to you, and to us... no matter what happens with my job, it will never make up for that.  I am so sorry, and nothing I can say or do, will ever show you how sorry I am."

I had ugly cried for most of what he told me.  I couldn't help it.  I knew that he was hurting.  However, I was, too.

I didn't know what to say or do.  So I said the only thing I could think of, in that moment.  "Aaron, I think you need to leave."

24 comments:

  1. After all this...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Completely and utterly disappointed. This was not what I had been patiently waiting for. Actually, it is in direct conflict of the previous posts from Aaron's POV. He went from staying clean except from one small initiation issue to this? Not sure why you took this turn of events. Not into this at all.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I thought she mentioned the sexual-related stuff he had to do before this post because the leader was getting suspicious that he was never hooking up with girls? Regardless, like everyone else is saying, it was part of his job and I think she just needs time to process it all.

      Delete
    2. I'm sorry you feel that way. When that had happened, he was still undercover for a little while. So you're right, initially during one of his posts, that is what was said. But, unfortunately, things happened. Hopefully you stick it out to see what happens and the story will go more in a direction you'd prefer to read about.

      Delete
  3. I'll be devastated if they break up :( I miss the time when they were first dating, they were so happy and in love! Wish they could go back to that place!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I think she just needs to process it. I think she's strong enough to deal with it and stick by him. And I think this line is good. Because it's showing the evil he went through. And the fact he's opening up to her is a big deal. She just needs time to think, absorb and prepare herself to help him.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm disappointed by her reaction because it must have been really hard for him to tell her everything he did. I hope that after she calms down they can work through all of this.

    ReplyDelete
  6. So disappointed by her reaction. I hope she can quickly realize how hard it must have been on him and be there to support him.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Wow...powerful stuff. I have to remember she is still college-age and this is some pretty heavy duty situations to handle. I think she definitely needs time to process it all, but I'm so hopeful she will be mature enough to realize he didn't "cheat" on her or do any of these things necessarily by choice. He had to do it for the situations he was put into in his line of work and for survival. I'm glad he's continuing counseling and he's trying to get a handle on everything himself. He has to forgive himself before he can move forward with his life. They've been through so much already together...they have to work their way back to each other! Love this blog and so happy you're back!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I feel so creeped out by what Aaron had to do it makes it seem like he was literally forced to prostitute himself for his job. The poor guy probably feels like he needs to shower for a month to wash this all away. He obviously didn't know what he was getting himself into and now he hates himself for what he had to do and for possibly wrecking his relationship. I know Leah needs to process this, but this is a very unusual situation. It's not simple infidelity. It sucks that they have had such harsh things to deal with: Leah's sexual assaults and now this. I think Leah and Aaron should follow through with the idea of them seeing Aaron's counselor together. I really want them to work as a couple.

    Welcome back,by the way!

    ReplyDelete
  9. OMG!!!! 😳😭🙈. (So glad you are back!)

    ReplyDelete
  10. welcome home, sweetie! we missed you!

    so sad over this post, but I think Aleah is doing the right thing. she just needs time to process it. she's thinking it through rationally. I'm glad aaron is in therapy. looking forward to the next post. mum

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, mum!! I'm soo happy to be writing again :)

      Delete
  11. Wow happy you're back!!
    Leo

    ReplyDelete
  12. I'm so sad now after reading this!! I hope they work through this!!!

    ReplyDelete
  13. I'm so sad now after reading this!! I hope they work through this!!!

    ReplyDelete
  14. In unrelated news... Does anyone know what happened to the crazyadventuresinny blog? I was going to comment in the original blog but comments are disabled ����

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was wondering the same thing. I was going to comment on the old blog because the new one disappeared.

      Delete
    2. I was wondering the same thing. And I did try to comment to see what was up but it says that only a member of the blog can comment. :-S

      Delete
  15. So much for consistent post....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Let's try this, instead....

      Hey, aleah! When you said you were going to post consistently, what did you mean by that?

      Well hi there, anonymous, thank you for your strength-based worded inquiry. I will be posting Monday nights. Every Monday. Therefore, that would be a consistent posting schedule. Hope this helps! In time I'm hoping to up it to an additional one, but as of right now, that's all I have time for.

      Delete
    2. Post when your life allows. We will be here to read it. Looking forward to your next post!

      Delete
    3. LMAO....sorry, that was funny. mum

      Delete