Silent Tears

William, my work mentor/friend, had turned into my confidant over the past several weeks as Aaron and I had fought more and more, before the talk.  We were heading an hour and a half away for a training, so I had spilled my life story to him.  Well, really I had just spilled the conversation that Aaron and I had had.

William was driving, and I was staring out the window watching the trees go by.  Silent tears were running down my face and I didn't want him to see me cry, so I kept my face turned out the window, wiping them away.

It had been almost a week since Aaron and I had spoken, and my thoughts and heart were tugging me in 50 different directions.  I was confused.

I had talked to Sarah right after the talk, but no one else knew.  I was kind of embarrassed to tell my parents or anyone else what kinds of things he had to do, but I also was ashamed that I was embarrassed.  I just didn't want anyone looking at him differently... you know, in case I decided to stay with him.

Part of me wished Aaron was trying to contact me.  But, a bigger part of me knew he was doing what I asked, leaving me alone and letting me have the time I needed to process.  Truthfully, I didn't even know how to process.  I was still seeing my therapist, Dean, but only every other week, now.  I wasn't going to see him until later in the week, and so I hadn't had a chance to talk to him about everything with Aaron, either.

Sarah really wasn't much help, either.  She tried to be supportive, but she had never dealt with anything like this, either, and she said she didn't know what she would do in my shoes.  She said whatever I decided she would support me, but before I made any rash decisions, to really think it through and make sure it was what I really wanted.  I could tell she was hurting along with me.  For me. 

William sighed.  I wiped a stray tear and risked glancing at him.  He was staring straight ahead.  "That's a tough situation, Aleah."

I nodded my head, though he wasn't looking at me.

He continued, "Now that you've had some time to process, what do you think?"

"I... I'm not sure," I stammered.  "I miss him so much.  My heart just hurts constantly.  My heart hurts for him, because I know that he's been hurting and I wasn't very supportive of him when he told me.  My heart hurts for me, because selfishly, I do feel hurt and betrayed a little.  My heart also hurts for what was, before he went undercover.  I think I may even resent him a little for leaving me like that to go do what he did."

"But do you think he went into the job knowing it was going to lead down the road it did?"

"I doubt it.  You know, I'm sure he didn't.  He never would have compromised our relationship."  I felt more confident in that statement than I had in any other thought I'd had about the situation.

"Do you miss him, or just having someone there?"

"Him," I replied, without missing a beat.  "That is something I'm sure of."

The tears had stopped and I was now looking at William.  We had arrived to the training building and he pulled into a parking spot.  He turned to face me.

"Do you love him?"

"I do.  So, so much."

"Is what his position made him do- in saving his job and doing what he needed to keep himself alive and safe- a deal breaker?  Is it worth throwing your relationship away for something that I'm sure you know he would never do again."

I didn't answer William.  I knew in my heart what I needed and wanted to do.  And I could tell by William's expression, that he knew the answer, too.

William put his hand on my leg and patted it 3 times.  He smiled.  "Let's get into training and get this thing over with."