"What were you thinking?" Sarah asked.
I knew that she was saying it with love, but it still made me bristle, actually hearing the words come out of her mouth.
I sighed loudly. On purpose. But my shoulders drooped, defeated. "I don't know. I just wanted to do what I would do if Luke had never entered my life. I just wanted to feel.... normal."
I had been avoiding saying Luke's name since the second incident, but my therapist was encouraging me to say it and face it. He kept telling me that by altering my life, it was letting him win. It was letting him have power over me.
Sarah and I were having a girls' night in. We had invited Maddie and Elena, but neither of them could make it. We had stockpiled summer sausage, cheese, and crackers and a couple bottles of Barefoot crisp white wine. We had American Ninja Warrior on in the background, as we watched, ate, and gossiped.
We both had paused the conversation, as we were watching one of the competitors attempt to run the course. "I wish I had that kind of body control and strength," I rhetorically said.
"You and me both," Sarah agreed.
Once the run finished, Sarah responded. "I know you do. I can't keep up with you running, but if you start training again..."
I cut her off. "I AM going to start training again."
"Okay, okay. WHEN you start training again, I can go with you. We'll just have to plan the runs out in advance so I make sure I can do them. I'll roller blade or bike along with you."
"I suppose," I pouted. I really wanted to be independent. Thankfully, the self-defense classes Aaron wanted me to take were beginning the next week and Sarah had thought it'd be a good idea for her to participate, too.
Sarah's tone of voice softened, then. "Listen, Aleah, I'm really sorry this all happened to you. And twice, at that. Luke is a piece of shit and deserves to rot. I want you to be able to feel normal, too. Also, I'm sorry I had been gone at Matt's so much before the last attack." Prior to the last incident, Sarah had been staying at Matt's almost every night. I had asked her at one point if she just wanted to move in there, and that I wouldn't be offended, but she said she didn't want to, yet. She said they hadn't even been together a year, and mentally they had to at least make it to that point. "I'm going to make a point to be here more often. I've missed you, anyway."
I grinned and threw a cracker at her face. "You're giving me the feels."
She rolled her eyes and scoffed. "You know I absolutely despise all those weird word shortenings."
"SMH, girl, you know they're legit."
She glared at me. "You suck."
"And you're on fleek." I giggled.
She threw her hands in the air, exasperated. "I don't even know what that means!"
I shrugged. "I don't either."
We both laughed and finished the first bottle of wine and screwed open the other. (Hey, we like cheap screw top wines.)
"So..." Sarah tentatively began. "Heard from Aaron?"
I unwillingly grimaced. "No."
She gave me a side eye. "I'm sorry. I'm sure he misses you as much as you miss him!"
"I know." I let out a long, lingering breath. "I know he brought me those flowers at the hospital. I just wish he could've been there when I was actually coherent, so it didn't feel like a fleeting dream. I miss him a lot and don't even know where he is! It's been several weeks since I got out. He could be dead." I took a long sip of wine, pushing the morbid thoughts of him laying in a ditch bleeding out far away, to keep the tears from forming.
"Aleah, that man loves you. He will make sure to make it back here alive for you. Otherwise, he knows you'd kill him." She smiled.
I rolled my eyes at her, this time. "You're a nerd. And yes. I know he loves me. I really do. It's just hard."
We watched the next couple of competitors and their stories in silence. I yearned to change the topic. "So I think we should force Maddie and Elena to leave their hubbies and we need another night out in Omaha. Maybe we can do an overnight and go to a few clubs and dance a whole lot?"
"Oh my gosh, yes. Please, yes. I've been missing some dancing in my life."
"Alright, lets figure out a weekend next month that works and check with the other two."
"How would you feel if I invited Kate?" Kate is Sarah's longtime high school friend who had overdosed on drugs and went into rehab. I know she'd been out and doing well, and Sarah had been talking about asking Kate to come out and visit with us for a long weekend or week.
I smiled. "You should! I always liked Kate and think we'd all have fun."
I hesitated at my next question, because I didn't know what Sarah would say, though I knew she'd be honest.
"Soooo... I've been thinking... I might ask Victoria to hang out sometime."
Sarah's eyes practically fell out of her face. Before she could say anything, I rushed on. "I feel really bad for her, she doesn't know anyone up here, she might be kind of depressed, and she got screwed over by Luke, in some ways more than me. I think she could use a friend. And if she and I had met in any different circumstances, I think she would've been part of our group, honestly."
Sarah's mouth opened and closed several times, before taking several loud gulps of her wine. Sarah a lot of times overreacted to things at first, but if she managed to keep her mouth shut for a few minutes and thought about it, she tended to be reasonable.
She squinted at me, as if to read to see if I had an ulterior motive. She seemed to think my rushed reasoning sufficed, though. "I think you should be really cautious. I don't know if you should trust her. I think I would suggest to not be friends with her. However, you typically are a really good judge of character." At that, she gave me a pointed look and I knew she was thinking about the exception of Luke. "I also think you're right, and I kinda feel bad for her."
"I do, too. I don't know if I could or should ever trust her. But I at least want to see. If it doesn't work out, no love lost." I shrugged at the thought.
Sarah let out a short laugh. "You're treating her like a Tinder date."
"Then I guess I'm swiping right!"
She shook her head. "At least let me hang out with you guys, too."
I saw the determined look on her face and knew she wasn't going to let me get away with hanging out with her alone. "Fine. But no complaining for whatever I decide. If she even wants to. I guess we'll see."
We dropped it at that, and went back to watching our show.
Hey all! Just wanted to check in and thank you for the amazing comments and being such faithful, great readers. I love reading your thoughts!
ReplyDeleteI know this post wasn't super "exciting." It's setting up for future things to happen :) I promise there's a method to my madness!
I'm hoping by the end of the year I can move my posting up to twice a week. I have a BUNCH of trainings for work starting in September (I'll be traveling at least 2 weeks of every month Sept-Dec), so that's why I can't commit to that at this exact moment. So fingers crossed I can get my schedule regulated and up my postings!
Secondly, to those that had previously asked/suggested during my "personal post..." I did create a gofundme account, however, I'm having a lot of problems swallowing my pride and actually making it public. I've had it for almost a week, and haven't told anyone I made it. If I can bring myself to that point, I'll post it on here temporarily. It definitely is NOT meant as a requirement or motivation or anything. I HATE asking anyone for anything, ever. I would only do that because a few of you had suggested I do it, and if I did, asked me to post it here. But just wanted to give an update.
So again, thank you to everyone who comments, because I LOVE LOVE them!!!
I'm going to aim for a bonus post this weekend sometime (maybe Saturday night?).
So, see y'all then!
~A
I think it's very big of Aleah to consider being friends with Victoria, and I hope it works out for both of their sakes.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I feel like Sarah asking what Aleah was thinking is kind of victim-shaming. She should be able to go for a run if she wants. The problem is with Luke disregarding the restraining order, not Aleah running!
DeleteI would have said the same thing, it's stupid for a young especially a young attractive woman to run in the woods alone. Especially with no pepper spray or any defense
DeleteYoung attractive women are no more likely to be raped than any other woman. Your comment is ignorant and harmful to other women who have been attacked.
DeleteOh please, the word "especially" was used don't get so defensive it comes across as ignorant on your part 266
DeleteI'm little uneasy about Aleah attempting to be friends with Victoria, yes Victoria got screwed over as well and we've seen Victoria's POV posts but there is still something about it
ReplyDeleteI agree.
DeleteSara
I agree with Adrianna, I'm unsure about this friendship with Victoria
ReplyDeleteGirls night out in Omaha... Why do I have a feeling there could be a run in with Aaron... blow his cover, get dragged in, etc...
ReplyDeleteParticularly given Kate's history with drugs...
That's a solid theory right there.
DeleteI don't think they should even be inviting Kate out to bars. With her in recovery it's definitely not wise for her to be in a bar...even if she doesn't drink while there, the temptation is right in her face. Yes, someday she will have to learn to go out and deal with other people drinking around her, but she is way too early in her recovery to chance it.
DeleteI agree that there is a chance they will run into Aaron. But not necessarily that they will blow his cover...I think Aleah will see him doing something to keep his cover intact (being with another woman, drugs, etc...) and she will freak out or he will see her and know she saw him doing whatever and he will want to talk to her. We shall see, tho!
Two things: First of all, isn't Sarah on the track team and Aleah isn't able to keep up with HER? That's something I remember from older posts, Aleah not being able to keep up with Sarah and Sarah enjoying running more.
ReplyDeleteSecond: When someone has already violated your space multiple times, and has made it clear that they are out to get you, it is very stupid to go off on your own. There are plenty of areas that aren't safe or advisable to be on your own for a run for individuals without a nut bar chasing them. Asking people to be conscious of risks and to take precautions isn't victim-shaming. It really upsets me when people label it as such because it takes away from the fight against TRUE victim shaming and also encourages people without common sense to act in detriment to their own welfare. Acknowledging that we live in a dangerous world is simply smart.
Really quick to a dress sarah and the track team to help any confusion... she was on the track team, true. However, she was a thrower, not a runner. Maddie was the runner of their friends!
DeleteAddress* ugh, autocorrect
DeleteOOOOH! Thanks so much for clearing that up, I was pretty confused on that one :)
DeleteReplying to the first comment:
DeleteFirstly: it's victim blaming, not shaming. Secondly: your very comment is perpetuating victim blaming. By suggesting that Aleah should not be here or there says that, by being there, she should take some of the responsibility for being attacked. 100% of the blame lies entirely with Luke. No exceptions as to where she was, whether she was carrying a weapon, what she was wearing, what time of day is was etc. As a free adult she can go wherever she wants, and just because There is a chance she will be attacked does not give you justification in saying she can't go/do something. Luke was clearly angling for another attack and frankly I don't think the dark wood s or a highstreet would have stopped him. The logical conclusion to your argument is that, women should not put themselves at risk anywhere- so a curfew to go out? A map of where's acceptable? Suitable clothing? Oh and don't forget that toe more likely to be attacked at home... So don't go there either
I think it would be really helpful that these posts that include references about sexual violence had a trigger warning at the top x
DeleteThe shaming was a fun foray into autocorrect territory. And no, I am not blaming the victim for getting attacked, nor am I suggesting that she encouraged her attacker in any way. I was pointing out that in the blog, and in real life, people end up in awful situations which rob them of their feelings of control and freedom. I myself have been in that position. I do not believe it is fair for people to have to restrict areas or times of day for running or areas that they visit. But unfortunately, would be attackers don't tend to give a crap about people's rights. They don't care that you should be able to run when and where you want. And that is when we can all take precautions. Not because it is our fault, but because the world is a scary place. Simply letting someone know where you are or carrying mace or being aware can be enough. When someone is targeting you, however, going around on your own without protection isn't smart. It doesn't mean that any attack is your fault. It just means that sometimes taking precautions is advisable. It really sucks that crappy people are out there, and it would be wonderful to be entitled to safety. But we aren't. And that is why self defense, awareness, and taking precautions whenever advisable are great ideas. And being concerned or afraid that a loved one would not take some precautions in the future to prevent a recurrence is pretty natural. I do not appreciate being accused of victim blaming and having meanings assigned to my wrds that weren't there. The logical conclusion to my argument is that everyone, not just women (men and gender queen people are attacked as well), should be aware and cautious of their surroundings because we can't control other people, but we can try to protect ourselves as best we can. No one was attacking you, and to put so many words in my mouth and to fill in to the extent you did was not appreciated. And no, I was not "even going there"
DeleteI agree with anon. Would be attackers don't care about this politically correct world. Just because you should be able to go wherever you want doesn't mean you should. I have the right to rock climb without a rope but am I going to, no! Running by yourself in the woods without protection or even just going at all, especially with a known personal attacker on the loose, is not smart. The attacker doesn't care about women's rights. You can't control other peoples actions just because you should be able to do what you want.
DeleteAnon didn't say she was asking for it either
I, too, agree with anon. It sucks that we live in a world where there are mean people that attack vulnerable people. But the reality is, we do live in that world, and if there was someone like Luke preying on me you can bet I would take every precaution to stay safe. It is admirable of Aleah to want to get out on her own, especially after the first attack that left her terrified, but she should have waited until luke was permanently behind bars. It was a huge step toward in her healing process to want to go anywhere alone, though. Like the other commenters have stated, just because she SHOULD be able to go running alone, doesn't mean it's the wisest decision while luke is out of jail. That's not victim blaming, it's common sense.
DeleteAnd another thing, anon never said anything about her clothing or a curfew or anything of the sort, so don't put words in her mouth. And as a female, I certainly wouldn't go running in the dark by myself, even tho I should be able to. It isn't safe and I'm not going to risk my safety just to prove a point. And if I did do that, I would have some accountability if I should get attacked. Not for the attack itself, but for not taking the necessary precautions to stay safe. It's like with kids: they should be able to walk a few blocks to the store or a friends house without getting attacked or kidnapped, but parents know that in this world there are bad people that prey on children, so they have rules that their kid needs to stay within a certain area without an adult. Why do those same precautions go out the window when we become adults? and God forbid anyone should mention those precautions in reference to someone being attacked, because then it's victim blaming. So ridiculous. Use common sense, people.