I felt like the walls
were caving in. I was going crazy. Mad.
Maybe this is how it felt right before someone was committed. I was lying on my back on my bed, my floral
bedspread growing around me, making me feel consumed by a field. I couldn’t breath. I needed to get out. Get away from this place. Coming here was a mistake. Coming to be with Luke was a mistake. Coming to chase Aleah away from Luke, was a
mistake.
I jumped up like I had
just been burned. I slipped on my Crocs (they may be ugly, but damn comfortable),
threw on a zip up hoodie, and snatched my keys off my desk. I strode out of my shared room into the
common area. Only one of the other girls
in my apartment was home. She was making
something that smelled like home.
Hamburgers being pan fried. I
paused, momentarily, taken back to a different time and place.
“Hi, Victoria,” Cindy said softly. I snapped back to reality. I gave her a weak smile and started walking
again. “I made extra if you wanted to
join me...”
I stopped, again. I contemplated it. I really did.
I could tell that all of my roommates walked on egg shells around me. I think they were scared of me. I was icy towards them. I didn’t want to make friends. “Um, I really have to go.”
I walked towards the
door and put my hand on the doorknob. I
looked over at Cindy. “It smells really
good, though, thanks.”
I saw her grin at me
before I walked out of the door. I
couldn’t help it. I smiled, too. Even though she couldn’t see me.
I walked towards the
door, feeling a little more free- a little less drowned. But then I slowed. There, coming in the door, was Aleah. She hadn’t seen me, yet. She looked really happy. In all the times I had seen her, she didn’t
look quite as naturally happy as she did at that exact moment.
And then she saw
me. She glared at me, but moved out of
the way. Then I noticed the man coming
in behind her. He was smiling, and
continued when he saw me. A friendly
smile. He didn’t know who I was. He didn’t know how Aleah knew me. He nodded his head at me.
I suddenly felt timid
and out of place. Like I was
interrupting something special. “Uh, hi,
Aleah.”
She looked at me like
I had three heads. But I’m sure me
saying hi to her was probably the equivalent in weirdness. “Victoria,” she replied icily.
I felt incredibly
nervous. I don’t know what was
happening, but word vomit started pouring out.
“I just wanted to tell you...” And I stopped. I closed my mouth as quickly as I opened
it. What was I about to do? I couldn’t tell her that. Luke would never talk to me again, if I told
her that. Or worse, he’d cancel his
devious plans for her and turn them around on me.
“What is it,
Victoria,” she demanded impatiently.
I lost my nerve. But regained my cool. I sighed, as if I was bored with her, and she
was the one who had stopped me. “I just
wanted to tell you, once again, to stay away from Luke. He doesn’t want you.”
And I burst through
the door, before she could see the panic on my face. That I was choking on my own breath. That tears were threatening to flood my face.
~~~~~~~November
2009~~~~~~~~
I sighed, walking
briskly through the grocery store. It
was the day before Thanksgiving, and my mom needed green beans for the green
bean casserole. Apparently, on her trip
the weekend before she had forgotten them.
So she sent me. And it was
packed, and I just wanted to get home. I
was thankful to have the next two days of school off.
It would be a much
needed break.
It was hard being
me. Finding ways to pass without
trying. Jill and I ruled the school
now. We were looked up to and revered
more than the senior girls. And it was
hard keeping up that image. Always
appearing effortlessly perfect.
I grabbed the cans of
green beans, and shoved my hand into my jeans pocket to feel the crumpled
dollar bills. Making sure they didn’t
fall out. I rounded the corner of the
aisle to head to check out and ran straight into a pole.
“Uff..” I moaned. “Fuck.”
“Sorry.” So the pole
speaks.
I looked up to see
Luke. I immediately thought back to the
last night I had seen him. His
graduation. I thought I would be back
the next day, but I didn’t go. And the
day after that, I didn’t go either. And
with each passing day, it got easier and easier to not go. And he never called or texted to find out
why. Or if I was okay.
My mouth gasped open,
and I took a step back, unintentionally.
He looked... haggard. He looked
at me... with pity?
“You look like shit,”
I stated, simply.
“You look bitter,” he
quietly replied.
“What are you doing
here?” I stepped to the side so I was
out of the way of the hustle and bustle of people coming in and out of the
aisle.
He rose a dark eyebrow
at me. “Probably the same thing you
are.”
I sighed,
annoyed. “I meant, why aren’t you away
at your big fancy college.”
His shoulders slumped,
and he looked down at his feet. THIS
Luke, I had never seen. The whole time
we were whatever we were, I had never seen a side of him that even appeared
remotely vulnerable.
“Thanksgiving
break. I gotta go, Victoria.” And with that, he was gone.
I got back home with
the green beans to the usual sounds of home.
Oil spattering. Overly loud
television. Sounded like Jeopardy. My mom banging things around in the
kitchen. My dad snoring in front of the
tv.
I dropped the bag of
cans on the raggedy kitchen table. My
mom turned around, timidly. She smiled
faintly at me. The bags under her eyes,
drooping. Her red, once ferocious hair,
dull and sad looking. Years of abuse at
the hands of my dad had done her in.
Once a beauty queen with the world at her fingertips, she fell for the
handsome and cunning town drunk. An
abusive, philandering one, at that. I
had no respect for her, letting my dad walk all over her and put his hands on
her like that. I walked all over her,
too. Just not physically. She let me do whatever I wanted, in hopes
that I would like her. Kind of like my
dad. That’s why she never confronted him
about his infidelity. She knew about
it. Hell, the whole town did. But she just smiled and looked the other
way. Hoping he would stop hitting her if
she would let him do whatever he wanted.
“Thanks, doll,” my mom
said, trying to win favor with pet names.
I looked at her blankly as I let the single dollar left fall onto the table
through my fingers. Then I turned, and
walked into the living room.
I noted four empty
bottles on the side table next to the tattered Lazyboy he was lounging in. And a bottle in his hand. Five?
That wasn’t so bad. He clearly
decided to slow down for the holiday.
How generous of him.
Bastard. Only at seven and more
did he become physically abusive. Eleven
and more? I stayed away. He left me alone until he reached
eleven. Eleven was his lucky number. And my unlucky number. I became his slave at that point.
I mean, I guess in a
sense I was lucky. It was usually just
physical aggressiveness. Only once had
he groped me. But I still think he just
got my mom and me mixed up. And he was
way past eleven that time. He probably
would’ve groped the dog, if we’d had one.
I never spoke of it, and neither did.
Unfortunately for her, my mom did.
She earned a black eye and 3 fractured ribs for that. And for the next three weeks after, got
accused of being a lying, jealous whore.
I tiptoed through the
living room down the hall to my room, to make sure he didn’t wake up. I shut the door and locked it. They never required I eat with them, so
hopefully they would leave me alone the rest of the night.
I
curled up on my twin canopy bed, and let myself think about Luke for the first
time in months.
Thanksgiving passed
uneventfully. Whenever the grandparents
were over, the dad and mom were on their best behaviors. We appeared like the all-American,
lower/middle class family. After dinner,
when the adults were all in the living room socializing over coffee (or Jack
and Coke for my dad-he only drank liquor on special occasions), I went off to
my room again. I grabbed my neglected
cell phone and checked the time, 8:43 p.m.
I started scrolling through Facebook.
I contemplated texting Jill, to see if she was done with family stuff
and we could hang out.
I dropped my phone on
my bed next to my head and drifted off to sleep. I woke up to it pinging. I let my eyes adjust to the light, which I’d
left on. I grabbed my phone and looked
at the time. 12:18 a.m. I saw I had a couple text messages. The first one was from Jill. She had the same idea I did. It was several hours earlier, so I didn’t
reply.
The second was from
Luke. Come over.
That was the one that
woke me up.
So I went.
I snuck through the
house. It was calm. For the first time in who knew how long. I grabbed my keys off the kitchen table. I was only quiet to not wake my dad, who was
passed out in his recliner. My mom was
in bed, I was sure. I drove to Luke’s in
silence. It was like riding a bike. Muscle memory. Whatever.
I texted him back,
finally. Here.
He met me at the door
and let me in. Same shit, different
day. We silently flowed through his
house to his bedroom.
I started unbuttoning
my shirt, but before I could even get two undone, he grabbed my hand, stopping
me. He pushed me to sit on his bed and
he sat next to me.
He finally said,
staring at his hands, “I didn’t go.”
“You didn’t go?” I
asked, confused.
"I didn't go to college."
I sneered at him, somehow feeling superior in that moment. “What happened to your
all-star, full ride basketball career?”
He ignored my snide
remark. “Betty got sick.” Betty was his little sister. She was a surprise. Way younger than him. At his graduation she was 5. Maybe 6.
I couldn’t remember.
“Sick how?”
“Cancer.”
My hand found its way rapidly to my mouth, covering it. I gasped. “Oh, no. Is she at a hospital?”
He didn’t answer
me. He just kept looking at his hands.
“Luke?”
He looked up at
me. He was crying. Real, legit tears. “She lost the battle.”
My face softened and
fell. I leaned over and automatically
pulled him to me, hugging him. I pulled
his head down onto my shoulder. “I’m so
sorry, Luke.”
We leaned back on his
bed, lying down. Me holding him. And we stayed that way until morning.
Yikes. Who knew Luke would be such a creeper? I feel bad for Victoria AND Aleah.
ReplyDeleteIf you still read the blogs on Love Sex Pizza, this kind of reminds me of the new storyline with Elizabeth, how we are learning the backstory of the queen bee/bitch that we hate because she is so mean to the leading lady (Aleah/Josie), and suddenly when we know her better, she becomes human, fallible and we hurt for her.
ReplyDelete