LbA: Truths and Fear

*Reader discretion advised.  The first part of this post is fine, but the latter half has very sensitive subject matter, and for those that prefer to skip it, I wanted to give a fair warning.  I put a line of ***** to show when the sensitive matter begins.

 I knew that I was going to be writing this post for awhile, and was unsure exactly how to approach it.  This is the only post I've ever proofed multiple times.  I wanted it to be true to life, without being too much so.  Here is the end result.*

I took a long sip of my chai latte, inhaling the aromatic fumes rising off the mug.  I was at a low key coffee shop that I’d never been to before, sitting across from Chase.  Seeing him felt so stable.  I felt content being around him.

I was quite tired, having been out late with Sarah, Maddie, and Elena celebrating my birthday the night before.  We had just gone to a hole-in-the-wall bar that had great drink specials and caught up.  Nothing too riveting, yet perfectly capturing the essence of what I wanted my year of 22 to be like.

“Thanks for seeing me,” he began. 

I nodded.  “Of course.”

“I want you to know that I had a long chat with Amanda and she knows she was out of line.  Also, I have absolutely no feelings for her, and her putting herself on me like that was completely shocking.  I really didn’t know it was coming.  I didn’t know she still had feelings like that for me.  It had been so long since we’ve spoken or seen each other, other than the night we ran into her when we were out.”

“I believe you.”

“Aleah, I’ve been thinking a lot about you.  About me.  About us...” he paused, taking a drink of his black coffee.

My heart started beating fast.  I knew this conversation was going one of two ways.  And I wasn’t sure that I was ready for either of those options. 

He continued, “And I haven’t been seeing anyone else.  And I don’t want to.  I really like you.  I like who you are as a person, and I’d be honored if you would be my girlfriend.”  He was looking at me so expectantly.  His hands were crossed on the table in front of him, his eyebrows were raised.  His eyes and expression were so genuine and full of hope.

I looked around the coffee shop.  It wasn’t very busy.  There were 3 other tables that had people occupying them.  One was what appeared to be a single college student studying.   The other two tables were couples.  One of the couples looked like they were on a first date.  The subtle glances, twirling of the hair by her, leaning forward grinning by him.  The other couple was seasoned.  Elderly.  They held hands across from each other, not speaking, yet clearly saying everything needed.

I knew I was buying time.  I glanced at Chase, he was still looking at me curiously.  I looked down at my hands and furrowed my brows.  I thought back to just two nights prior.  My birthday.  Aaron.  The cupcake and hot chocolate.  He didn’t kiss me.  But I wasn’t ready to stop seeing him.

I looked back up at Chase.  And really looked at him.  Or maybe I was ready.

The words came out of my mouth before I could stop them.  “I’ve kinda been seeing someone else, too.”

He looked surprised.  But then he didn’t.

And then I realized, I wanted better than content.  I wanted more than stable.

Chase’s lips were moving, but I hadn’t heard anything that he’d said.  Something about time and waiting.  Whatever.

“Chase.  You are a really great guy.  And truthfully, I like you a lot.  Maybe it’s just bad timing.  Maybe I’m just not ready for the commitment.  But, I’m not ready to be your girlfriend.  I really don’t know if I will be anytime soon, or ever.”  I could hear the words pouring out of my mouth automatically.  Words that had been unspoken for awhile.  I could even feel the tears forming in the corners of my eyes.

I had been seeing Chase for months.  Almost four.  I had gotten used to talking to him daily.  And I didn’t want that to stop.  But my heart was telling me it needed to. 

I could see the sadness on his face.  The disappointment.  He told me to call him if I changed his mind.  That I was worth it.  I think we both knew I wouldn’t.  Or at the very least, I wouldn’t for a long time.

I walked out of the coffee shop feeling very neutral.  Almost numb-like.

I worked on finishing my papers the rest of the weekend, to keep myself from texting Chase.

My last week of classes flew by.  Between final presentations and homework, and going over generalizations of what would be on exams, and ending my days with practice, I was busy from wake until sleep.  Exams flew by, as well.  Before I knew it, it was December 19 and I was in my apartment packing to head home.  I had practices throughout break, so I knew I’d be back to the apartment to stay sometimes.  Sarah and Maddie also had track practices since each of our sports’ main seasons were starting in January. 

Nellie was already gone back home to Florida for break.  Sarah and Maddie were also gone.  Since they were both from outside of Lincoln, they didn’t have to be back for practice until the Monday following Christmas.  They both had a full week off. 

Those of us who lived around town, at least on the tennis team, were expected to show up to the “optional” practices on Monday and Tuesday before Christmas.  But I at least had the weekend to relax after exams, so I was heading to my parents’.

****************************

I heard my phone go off.  It was a text from Aaron.  Since I had ended things with Chase (which I hadn’t told Aaron, yet), Aaron was more consistent with his communication.  It was almost as if he could sense I was no longer with Chase. 

When can I see u again?  it said.

I smiled.  Since I was trying this new thing of doing better in classes, I had persistently told Aaron no, when he wanted to take me out over the past couple of weeks.  He still had surprised me twice.  One time he dropped off a goodie basket of sweets to “keep me occupied” while studying.  The second time he had brought us take-out from a Thai place and ate a quick dinner with me.  I secretly loved how he was pursuing me, though I hadn’t admitted that to him.

When would you like? I texted back.

I tossed my phone onto the couch, to continue cramming stuff into my duffel bag.  I was mentally checking off the things I would need at my parents’ house.  I remembered I had bought a couple of Christmas presents randomly and they were in Sarah’s and my shared closet, so I was walking towards our room when I heard a knock on the door.

I stopped and slowly turned towards the door.  Everyone, except for athletes who had practices or games, was required to be out of the student housing over break.  The next day (Saturday) was the last day people were supposed to be here, so I definitely wasn’t expecting anyone.  Plus, I didn’t think anyone was really left in this unit.  My apartment seemed to be one of the only in this building that housed athletes.  There was one on the floor above us, and one apartment full of basketball girls on the first floor.  But that was it.  Most people had already gone home for Christmas.

I started shuffling towards the door, then thought it may be Aaron surprising me, once again.  I hadn’t heard my phone ding that he’d texted me back.  I looked down at my wrinkled sweats and dirty tshirt (don’t judge, I needed to do laundry and that was one thing I was hauling back to my parents’ to do) and decided to change.  It was around 8:30 p.m., so I wasn’t sure what kind of surprise this was going to be.  Too late for dinner, I thought.

“Hold on!” I called to the door. 

I heard a muffled okay and headed into my room.  I quickly thought of what I could put on that would look cute, but not like I was trying to look cute.  I had just shaved my legs that morning, and we kept our apartment really warm (though it was a policy that I had to drop the heat before I left, but hadn’t yet), so I decided on some short casual athletic (think Soffe) shorts and a fitted tank top.  I made sure my outfit wasn’t too over the top, as it could be the RA (resident’s assistant) checking to see who was left in the building. I had on my favorite bra that already made my boobs look great, but with the tank top that was a little lower cut, they looked fan-freaking-tastic.  My hair was up in a bun on top of my head, so I left it.  I slid my slippers on and padded back out to the door. 

I threw on my best “packing is so boring” look, and flung the door open.

Much to my shock, it wasn’t Aaron.

Quickly, though, my shock was replaced with fear.

There standing in my doorway, looking menacing and thrilled, was Luke.

He slowly appraised my body, and I immediately regretted my choice in clothing.  My skin prickled, and I could feel every tiny hair on my body standing on end.  “I think you have the wrong room,” I muttered, quickly pushing the door closed.

His hand slammed against it, keeping it open.  He took a step in to my apartment and my heart started banging in my chest.  I could feel myself getting sweaty, and my stomach churning.  I’m going to be sick, I thought.

“I don’t,” Luke drawled.  His step into my apartment put him within reach of me, and I could smell the alcohol seeping out of his pores.  His eyes were bloodshot.  He again lustfully took in my appearance, his gaze lingering on my chest.  “It looks as if you were expecting me.”

“No.  I was packing to head home.  My parents are expecting me, actually.  I really need to get going.”  I started speaking quickly.  I was trying to think of a way to get out of there ASAP.  Honestly, I had told my parents I wasn’t coming until Saturday, but was going to surprise them that night. 

Luke hiccupped.  “No.  No you don’t.”  He fully moved into my apartment and shut the door. 

I physically could feel my body start shaking, and I couldn’t stop.  I tried to speak, but my voice caught in my throat.  I opened my mouth and nothing came out.

He looked at me and laughed.  He actually laughed.  A friendly laugh.  As if this was a normal situation and we were friends.  “Aren’t you going to give me a tour?”  However, his voice was not friendly.  His speech was slurred and there were undertones of a hidden agenda.

I found my voice, barely.  “Uh, no... I was just leaving.  Maybe you can walk me out?”

“No!” he boomed.  Then his voice quieted down again, “I’d like a tour.”

I felt a single tear escape out of the corner of my eye.  The whole apartment was caving in and wasn’t nearly large enough.  I meekly said, “I’m sure it’s the same layout as Victoria’s.  Speaking of, maybe she’s here?  We could go down and see?”

He took one step towards me, closing the distance.  He wrapped a large hand around my upper arm.  “She’s not,” was all he said.

I swallowed, my mouth and throat dry.  I didn’t know it was possible for a person to be on the verge of throwing up, but yet no saliva to be accumulating. 

He started guiding me by my arm towards the living room.  Which, since when you first walk into the apartment, you step directly into the “dining” area, and the kitchen and living room are both open to that, there wasn’t much to see.  You could also see the bedrooms and the bathroom doors from the front door. “So, my tour?”

I closed my eyes.  I wishfully was thinking if I could show him around, maybe he would leave.  He was clearly drunk.  “This is the living room area.  We’re standing in the dining area, and that’s the kitchen,” I gestured towards the kitchen with my free arm.  “There’s not much else to see.”

“I want to see it all,” he said.  I knew, at that moment, that he wasn’t referring to my apartment.  I wanted to yell, but I could barely talk.  Everything I was saying was in a whisper.

I slowly moved towards the bathroom and bedrooms.  I pointed towards the closed door.  “That’s Nellie and Maddie’s room.”  I took a deep breath.   “The open door is mine and Sarah’s room.  And then straight ahead is the bathroom.”

He let go of my arm and put his hand on the back of my neck and started pushing me towards the bathroom.  He flicked on the light.  “I’ve seen the guys you’ve been bringing around here.  Victoria’s told me what a slut you’ve been.  So dirty.  I think you need to take a shower.”  He let go of my neck and spun me around so I was facing him.

This time, two tears slid down my face.  One from each eye.  I barely audibly said, “No.”

“What?”

“No.  You need to leave.” I tried to say it with as much authority as I could muster, making myself stand as tall as I could.  This only seemed to piss him off.

He put his hand on my shoulder and pushed me backwards.  I stumbled, but remained standing.  He was standing a few feet away from me now.  I started looking around the bathroom to see if there was anything I could fight him off with.  He had a foot on me height-wise, and was much stronger than me.  I knew I couldn’t keep him away from me with only my body.  I was hoping since he was drunk, he wasn’t as stable, and I would be able to catch him off guard.

“Undress,” he barked.  He kept his eyes on me as he snaked his arm into the shower and turned on the water.

“I’m not showering.”  My voice had come back, and I said that as evenly and coolly as possible.  I crossed my arms over my chest.  “And if you don’t leave now, I’m going to start screaming, and someone will come running.”

He laughed.  “There’s no one else in this building.”

“You don’t know that.”

“You don’t think I checked?” he challenged me.  “Now undress.”

I honestly didn’t know if he would’ve checked or not.  I stood there wracking my brain, for a way out of this.  I was cornered, currently.  He was between me and the door.  I wasn’t moving.

Luke seemed to take this as me being defiant and he strode the couple of steps over to me, pushing me against the wall.  He took my arms and slammed them onto the wall above my head, pinning them with one of his hands.  He then grabbed my tank top and ripped it upwards, over my head and off my arms.

“No, Luke, stop!” I cried.  He either didn’t hear me, or was just ignoring me, at that point, as he reached behind me and unclasped my bra.  I kicked towards him, but he shifted and I missed.  He swept my feet with one of his, dropping me to the floor.  I slid downwards, and hit my head on the tile floor.  I cringed at the pain, and cried out.

“Shh,” he hushed at me.  In my moment of pain, he pulled my bra off and threw it.  He now had me on my back on the floor and had my arms pinned again over my head.  He started roughly fondling and squeezing a breast and dropped his head down onto my other, and was sloppily licking and biting, hurting me.  I refocused on my surroundings and saw the steam from the shower taking over the bathroom.  He hadn’t turned on the fan or closed the door, and I knew that our smoke detector was super sensitive.  I thought if I could hold him off a little longer, that would set the smoke detector off, and that might be my chance to bolt.

He let go of my breast and slid his hand downwards to my shorts.  I was trying to kick and pry free of him, but he had my legs pinned with his.  I thought he was going to pull them off, which would cause him to let go of my legs, but instead, he forced his hand between my legs, pulling my shorts and underwear to the side.  “Please don’t,” I started begging.  Then I was sobbing.  I knew there was physically nothing I could do to stop him at this point.  “Please.  Please stop.  Please.”  And then I was screaming.

Luke jerked his head up, and grabbed my tank top, stuffing as much of it as he could into my mouth.  “Shut.  The fuck.  Up,” he growled at me.  My lip was quivering, and tears were streaming out of my eyes.  I was still trying to yell and scream, but it was muffled.  Over the shower, I could barely hear myself.

I closed my eyes, to try to go someplace else.  I knew what was about to happen was inevitable.

His hand was back between my legs, and a finger inside of me.  “Ooh,” he groaned into my ear.  “You’re not ready for me, yet.  You’re so fucking tight.  This is going to hurt you much more than it is me.  Sorry, babe.”   

I gagged, pushing back the vomit, not wanting to choke, knowing that due to my tank top, there was nowhere for it to go.

I tried wriggling free, but he had me securely pinned.  I started whimpering.  In that second, I wanted nothing more to be at home in my mom’s arms.

I opened my eyes, my vision blurred from my tears.  I still continued to try screaming and fighting him off.  With no success.

I felt helpless.  Hopeless.

Everything in me stopped and I felt nothing, then.  I stopped moving.  Luke was still moving above me, but I froze.  It felt as though time froze.  I was almost watching this from a distance, as if this were a movie.

I watched Luke pull his pants and underwear down to his knees.  I laid there, limp.  I tried willing myself to move, but couldn’t.

I watched as he lowered himself to me.  He took that opportunity to yank the tank top from out of my mouth and forcefully kiss me, his tongue bobbing in and out.  I could taste the now stale aftertaste of Jack and Coke he’d had.  He stopped and I felt his hand grab my shorts and underwear again, and push them to the side, once more.  I could feel my head roll to the side, uncontrolled, unable to watch anymore.

I squeezed my eyes closed, preparing myself for what was about to happen.

But then there was nothing.  What felt like seconds, minutes, hours.  Nothing.  I could still feel Luke’s weight on top of me.  I could hear the shower raining down.  But nothing was happening.

I dared to peek one eye open.  Luke was still, his head turned up looking past me.  My other eye shot open.  I tried to maneuver my head around, to see what he was seeing.  But all I saw was my empty apartment.

“Shh,” he shushed me once more.

And then I heard it.  Faintly.  A rapping at the door.

I felt as though all hope and strength had returned.  In one motion, I twisted to my side, my head facing the door and yelled help, as loudly as I could muster, as if my life depended on it.  And it did.

Luke’s hand slammed onto my mouth, hitting my head down onto the floor again.  The air unwillingly escaped my lips.  I felt the dampness of blood wetting my hair.  But, I saw the door fly open, bouncing off the door stop, and Aaron rushing in, with his gun drawn.