Through the Night

*Readers, There was a new post up, yesterday (Homeward Bound).  So if you didn't see it, head back and read that one, first!  ~A*

 

My mom had quickly ushered me into the house and into the living room where there was a fire ablaze in the fireplace.  She wrapped me in blankets and was almost sitting on top of me.  Aaron had dutifully trailed behind, and was standing awkwardly near the couch with my bag.  My dad stood up from his chair and walked over to Aaron, shaking his hand and thanking him for bringing me home.

“What happened?” My mom finally asked what I’m sure she’d been over-analyzing about since I had woken her up.

I could feel the tears in my eyes, filled to the brim.  I barely whispered, “I was almost raped.”

My mom’s expression appeared sickened and my dad looked as though he was about to murder.

Without many details, I briefly explained everything that had happened from Luke showing up until now.  My mom was crying along with me, feeling and hearing my pain.  My dad had positioned himself on my other side, his arms wrapped around my mom and me. 

When I finished, my dad stood up and walked over to Aaron, once again shaking his hand, and this time thanking him for saving his little girl.  My dad then asked Aaron the question which I, too, had asked, but for different reasons.  “Why were you at Aleah’s apartment?”

I had never seen Aaron appear timid until then.  I think he almost blushed.  “I’ve, uh, I’ve been courting your daughter, sir.”  He looked over at me, almost shyly.  My dad nodded his head once, in an action of approval.

His reaction caused me to forget about the night’s events for a fleeting second, as my heart skipped a beat.  But it all came flooding back into my memory immediately.  And along with it, my exhaustion.

I yawned.

Without a word, my mom helped me up and to my room, where I collapsed into bed.  She sat with me for minutes, maybe a half hour, stroking my hair.  She didn’t say anything.  And she didn’t have to. 

I drifted off, but jerked awake at the sound of the floorboard creaking under my mom’s foot as she was leaving my room.

And that’s when I was alone with my thoughts.  And my fears.  And my tears.

My eyes were wide open, staring into the darkness.  As my eyes adjusted to the dark, shapes began to form of the various items located in my room.  They brought about comfort.  Enough so that I drifted off again.  But awoke, what felt almost immediately.  The clock in the far corner of my room burned red 3:50 into my tired, wet eyes.  I was crying again.

I started whimpering.  And shaking. 

I saw my door crack open, and I froze, unable to breath.  I gripped my comforter tightly in my fists, clenching it to my body.  The faint yellowed light poured into my room over my body, but I could only make out an outline of someone in my door.

“Aleah?” came the silky call of my name.  Aaron.

“Yeah...”

He walked over to my bed and sat on the edge.  “I asked permission to check on you before I left.”

“You’re still here?”

“I was talking with your dad.” He paused and then added, almost as an afterthought, “He’s a great guy.”

I nodded my head.  “You didn’t have to stay.”

I could see the outline of him shake his head.  “I wanted to.  I wanted to make sure that... well, to make sure that you’re safe.”  I could hear the sincerity in his voice, and felt the tenderness of his touch as he wiped away the still present tears.

I was curled up in the fetal position, and he sat on the edge of my bed, running his fingers from my temple to the base of the back of my head, as my eyelids got lower and heavier.

And soon I was sleeping.  But the nightmares began immediately.  I was in a car, trapped, underwater.  I was banging my fists as hard as I could on the window, but the glass wouldn’t break.  And suddenly, a shark appeared, ramming its nose against the windshield.  Over and over again.  I watched as the glass cracked, then spiderwebbed out.  More and more with each passing slam.  Until the final one when the glass broke and the water came gushing in and I could hardly breathe. 

I sat up with a start.  Awake.  Aaron was gone.  I was breathing fast, my heart rate high.  My eyes were wide open.  I quickly looked at my clock, and saw only minutes had passed.

I let out a loud gush of air.  Is this what my every sleeping moment was going to be like? 

I was desperate for a couple hours of rest.  I wanted to sleep and not be awake to relive the night over and over again.  I knew that my mom had often struggled with insomnia.  When she was a nurse, she had worked nights, and for some reason, her body seemed to prefer those hours, so she was often awake.  She always had a prescription of Ambien or Lunesta on hand, that she took periodically when her body was fighting sleep.

I stopped to use the bathroom before heading into the hall.  I leaned into the mirror as I was washing my hands and looked at my complexion.  Normally flawless and bronzed, I appeared sallow and haggard.    There were bags under my eyes and my eyes were bloodshot.  My hair was a greasy, frizzy mess.  But the worst part was that I appeared lifeless.  My eyes were blank and sad.  There was no underlying joy, like I’d always thought, previously.

My bathroom door was open, and I was just blankly staring at my reflection, pondering if I would ever be “normal” again.

I didn’t know anyone was there, until I saw my mom’s reflection also in the mirror.  I could see her heart breaking through her eyes, as she watched me.  A now empty shell of what her daughter used to be.

She wrapped her arms around me, and we sank to the floor, against the wall, crumpled into a heap of despair.  The difference this time, though, was that I didn’t cry.  I simply felt empty.

This time, I fell asleep like that, in my mom’s arms.  And, thankfully, I slept dreamlessly.

When I woke up, I was in my bed.  I’m not sure how I got there, but I was there and alone.  I looked at the clock and saw it was almost noon. 

I stayed curled up in a ball, just staring at the wall.  I tried focusing on anything, and everything, to keep my mind busy and my thoughts occupied.  I saw my door start to crack open and I shifted my eyes to my door, but didn’t move my body. 

My mom entered, after seeing my eyes open, carrying a tray of food.  She had made one of my favorites: biscuits and gravy.

But food just didn’t sound appealing.  My stomach was upset and churning from the stress and anxiety I was feeling.  She coaxed me into taking a few bites, but after that I refused anymore. 

I sighed.  “I guess I need to get ready.  I’m supposed to be at the police station in a couple of hours.” I paused, then whispered, “I don’t know if I can do it.”

My mom started lightly scratching my forearm with her nails.  That had always been one of the most soothing things to me from my childhood, and it gave me a sense of calm.  “Honey, you are stronger than you think.  But if you don’t want to go today, your father can give Brad a call and reschedule it for you.”

“I just...” my eyes darted around my room, searching for what I was feeling.  “I’m just really scared.”

“I know,” she murmured.  “And that’s okay.”

I sat in silence for awhile, just focusing on mom’s nails scratching my arm.  Focusing on something that felt good, rather than the pain clouding my mind.

“When did Aaron leave?”

“After he put you into bed.  He came in to check on you again around 6 this morning and found us curled up on the floor.  I wasn’t asleep, though, but you know I couldn’t pick you up without waking you.  He put you into bed and left.  He said he would come back and take you to the police station if you wanted.  I told him I’d ask you and one of us would let him know.”

I didn’t even have to think about it when I answered her, “Yes.  Can you please let him know to come get me?”

I could see the questions in my mom’s eyes, but she didn’t say anything, and instead nodded her head.  I hadn’t spoken with her about ending things with Chase, and never told her I was seeing a detective who worked with Brad and is 6 years my senior.  So this past night had brought about much news for my parents.

She kissed my forehead and left with the tray of mostly uneaten food.

After I stripped my clothes off, I stood looking at myself in my full length mirror.  I knew my body was worth being envious over.  However, I hated it, in this moment.  I felt angry seeing the teeth shaped bruising on my breast.  I regretted trying to use my looks to my advantage.  Maybe if I hadn’t been trying to seduce-tease Aaron, Luke wouldn’t have wanted me when I opened that door.  I didn’t know if I could ever say that out loud.

When I stepped into the shower, I turned the water on as hot as I could stand, to melt away the dirt that I felt was covering my whole body.  I felt tainted and used.  I hoped the water would wash me clean.  I washed my whole body from head to toe.  Not once, but three times.  Luke was right.  I did need a shower from being dirty.  But what he didn’t know was that it was he who made me that way.

When I finally got out of the shower, I realized what had washed down the drain was my anger.  Now I just felt numb.  I decided that was better than hate.

I sat naked and cross-legged in front of my full length mirror using make up to try to cover the dark bruises.  I wanted to hide my wounds and pretend like they didn’t exist.

There was a knock at my bedroom door and I immediately tensed up.  I looked at the clock and saw it was 1:20 p.m.  We needed to leave for the police station soon.  I tentatively called out, “Who is it?”

“It’s Aaron.”

I took a deep breath.  His voice calmed my edginess.  “I’ll be out soon.”

“Okay, take your time.”  I heard his steps walk away.

I looked back to the mirror and saw the bruises were nearly invisible now.  As satisfied as I could be, given the situation, I tried to conceal the dark circles under my eyes, but that was as much effort as I could put into “getting ready.”

I stood in front of my closet, unsure what one should wear to a victim interview.  I cringed as the word “victim” rolled through my mind.  I thought to one of my favorite shows, Law and Order: SVU, and characters, Olivia Benson.  As she would say, You Survived.

I put on leggings with boots and an oversized long-sleeved tshirt.  Frankly, I didn’t care how I should look.  I walked out to Aaron, my hair falling over my shoulders, still wet.  He looked at me, with evident concern plastered on his face, but he didn’t seem shocked or appalled by my appearance, either.

We said our goodbyes to my parents, and left.  I fit perfectly into my new safety blanket: the crook of Aaron’s arm, with it wrapped tightly around me, as he walked me to his car.

When he opened the door and helped me in, I could smell the cleaners, and realized Aaron had taken the time to cleanse his car for me.  He had wiped away any remnants of Luke that could possibly be in his car.  I knew, as I watched him slide into his driver’s seat, that he would do anything to give me a clean slate.  He would do anything, to heal my pain.