Commencement Daydreams

May 10.  I sighed thinking I had 9 days until my summer class began.  My last final had been the day before, and I was thankful it was over.  My dad had been in Rochester, MN for almost a week.  Since this would be the calmest week I had my whole summer break, I was driving up to Rochester on Monday and coming back Thursday, so I could be there for my dad at least some of the time.  Because once my class started, I would be in class and working at the Racquet Club only until the second week in June, then I became super busy working the city's tennis classes.

I was planning all of this out in my head while waiting for Commencement to start.  I was there with Sarah, Maddie, and Elena.  We all knew various seniors that were graduating, but I was mainly there for Joe.  I fanned myself with the program, feeling the beads of sweat started to form on my brow from the insane amount of people packed all around me.  Like cattle.  We were like cattle waiting for slaughter.  Honestly, I hated graduations.  Not because of celebrating the joyous moment of people becoming "grown up" or whatever have you, but because it was always so long, and really quite boring.

I checked my phone and saw we had another 20 minutes until it started.  I let my mind wander back to seeing Zach exactly a week ago.  Pangs of sorrow shot through my heart thinking his name.  But at the same time, I knew that this is where we both needed to be.  For now.  We didn't really talk after he sought me out at our spot.  After his apology, he quickly explained he was only in town for a cousin's wedding.  He had flown in late Friday night and was leaving early the next morning, as he had finals the next week, too.  He had told me that every fiber in his being had wanted to contact me and tell me he was in town, and ask me to be his date, but he wistfully told me that seeing me and talking to me was too much, because he wanted what I did, but couldn't give me that at this point.  He and I both had a mutual understanding that those feelings are exactly why we hadn't contacted each other at all since New York.  He said to fill that temptation of calling me while he was here, he had brought one of his study partners along as his "date."  He had asked to come see me after the wedding, even if it was late.  I obliged.  I told him my bedroom window would be unlocked.  He had grinned knowingly at me, as more ancient secrets arose.  He had jumped on his bike and took off back towards his house in a hurry, to make it to the wedding.

I snapped out of my daze to hear the president of the University talking.  I knew we still had a long time more to be sitting here.  I jumped forward in my thoughts of that night.  I had awoken to an arm snaking around me, and the familiar arousing smell of Zach mixed with a light booze-y smell.  I knew Zach well enough to know he wasn't drunk.  He was too driven in school to risk being hungover the next day when he needed to study for finals.  I groggily peeked at the clock to see it was only 11:30 p.m.  I was tired and had gone to bed relatively early.  I smiled sleepily to myself, feeling Zach spoon himself around me, pulling me flush against his body.

"How long do we have?"  I murmured.

His breath was warm on my ear when he whispered back, "Not long enough."

I snuggled up against him and fell into a comfortable sleep. 

Sarah nudged me just then.  "Aleah," she hissed.

I shook my head and grinned sheepishly at her. 

"You aren't even looking at the stage!"

I focused on the stage and saw graduating students crossing the stage.  I listened for the name they were on.

"Patrick Brown," came over the P.A.  Joe still had awhile, as his last name starts with a P.

I drifted back into my daydream.  I had awoken to Zach's alarm on his cell phone going off.  I opened one eye to glance at the clock.  3:45 a.m.  I sadly sighed, and Zach squeezed me tightly.  Zach placed his lips on the exposed part of my neck and lightly kissed from just behind my ear down to my collar bone.  His arm draped over my body moved, and his hand ran up my stomach to my breast, and rested lightly on it cupping it.  I felt my nipples harden, partly due to the coolness of the room, but partly due to the sensation of his hand over the thin material of my tank top.  I had shifted onto my back, encouraging Zach to continue.  His hand gripped my breast a little more firmly, and his lips met mine.  

I became very aware then that what I was allowing to happen was so wrong.  I hadn't ever really cheated on anyone.  I quickly justified my actions mentally by stating the relationship was already over for me, I just needed to officially end it.  I refocused my attention onto Zach and his deepening kisses.  

"Kirby Olson," was the next name I heard announced.  I focused on graduation then, knowing Joe was going to be coming up soon.  I sat through multiple more until they finally announced Joseph Peterson.  The girls and I all cheered and hollered loudly.  I was so excited as I watched Joe walk across the stage, but felt tears welling up in my eyes, sad that my best friend boy wasn't going to be around on campus next year.  Joe was having a party at the house he was house sitting that evening, and the girls and I were going to it, so I had that to look forward to. 

Knowing there was still quite a bit of time left of commencement, I thought back to the rest of my time with Zach.  It didn't go any further than some heavy petting and making out.  He stealthily climbed out of my bedroom window at 4:05 a.m.  He and his study partner had to be at the airport at 5:30 a.m., so they were going to be leaving at 5:00 a.m.  Even though it saddened me to watch his figure climbing out of my window, I felt at peace, knowing we were still on the same page.  We weren't waiting for each other, per se, because that wasn't fair to ask of each other, but we were still hoping.

On Sunday evening after lounging at my parents, and studying for finals all day, I had headed back to campus.  Luke had been blowing up my phone since I told him I needed to talk to him, but I didn't respond because I didn't feel like it.  When I arrived back to campus I went straight to his house and luckily, he was there.  We sat on the porch and I told him that it just wasn't going to work with us.  I told him I didn't trust him, there were just some suspicious things that had happened that I didn't want to get into.  He asked me if it had to do with "the New York guy," and I told him no.  Maybe to an extent it did.  I didn't know if I could fully commit myself to anyone, knowing how much I loved Zach, but at some point, maybe I would be willing to try.  However, I didn't feel as if I owed Luke any explanation after the likelihood of me being drugged had been brought to my attention.  He shrugged the whole break-up off, as if the relationship didn't matter at all.  That stung a little, but I ignored it and left without too much emotion out of either of us.  I hesitated when I got to my car, debating whether to confront him about the pills, but I figured he would find out soon enough when I filed the police report. 

I called Detective Stratton that Monday after to tell him I wanted to file the report, but wanted to wait until after my exams.  He said he'd be willing to go in that Sunday and take it for me if I wanted, and I had said that was fine.  And that is where my thoughts were left when commencement ended.  The next day was when I would be officially filing the police report.