The Waves of this World

There were many days in high school when Zach and I would take horse rides across our families' properties.  Day long trips at a time.  We would pack "backpack lunches" and leave in the morning, and stay out well past dusk.  We would race our horses through the fields during the spring, before crops were planted or sprouting.  During the summer we would allow our horses to lazily stroll side by side while we tried to grasp each others' fingers and talked about our innocence-filled dreams of the future.  And in the fall we would wear sweats and pack blankets, and trek through the leafless woods to our "special spot."  Behind the woods at the very back of Zach's family's property there was a little clearing that Zach and his dad had spent a lot of time, sweat, and father/son bonding to build a tiny little cabin.  It was big enough to fit a wood burning stove and a futon in.  That's it.  Really non-functional for everyday living.  But for a quiet retreat away from everything for a night?  Perfect.  They had built that when we were in middle school, before love and courting overtook our neighborly friendship.  And then?  It became our special spot. 

It became our special spot the first time we held hands, as Zach shyly looked at me while I blushed uncontrollably.  It was our spot the first time our lips grazed, Zach becoming confident in his changing teenage body while I felt like the nerdy girl with a crush on the football star.  It became even more our spot the moment our bodies interlocked for the first time, passion begetting passion, lust learning to love.

And that spot is where I mindlessly guided Maxwell.  I blankly looked around at the surroundings, the old lawn chairs spread around a haphazardly constructed fire pit.  The looming trees, branches covering over the roof of the little cabin, seeming to draw it in and protect it from the cruelties of the elements.  I smiled, lost in thought of the wonderful memories, that seemed more real to me than the truths of the past weeks.  I slid off of Maxwell, dropping his reins to let him graze.  I automatically walked over to the porch swing that had been make-shifted into a "branch swing."  I sat down tentatively, making sure the branch and seat would still hold.  I bounced lightly a few times, and after it proved sturdy enough, I curled my knees up to my chest and leaned my head to the side on the back of the seat, and closed my eyes.

Instantly, reality hit and all of the actualities of my today crushed into me like a strong wave, forever dancing in the ocean.  I felt small and weak.  Tired and empty.  A sob escaped my lips.  And then another.  As each ugly wave of tears passed out of my body, I felt like the weight of pain and sorrow was lifting with it.  I accepted that my future with my dad was unknown, but I still had him now.  I knew that my future with Luke was over, and that brought me relief.  I also knew with perfect clarity that I needed to file the police report.  If not for my sake, for the potential protection of other females.  And I knew that my heart belonged to Zach, but there was no immediate future with him.  And I needed to accept that.

I took a deep breath and heard Maxwell snort, and I looked up to see him sidestepping away from the trail.  And entering from off the trail was Zach.  On a bicycle.  Wearing a suit.  I started giggling and wiped the tears off my cheeks.  The sight of Zach dressed so perfectly on a mountain bike was definitely giggle-worthy.

"How'd you know where I was?"

He pursed his lips and cocked his head sideways while looking at me, as if to say, where else would you go?

Zach dropped the bike on its side and briskly walked over to me.  He knelt in front of me, taking my face in his hands, and pushed his lips against mine.  The site of our first kiss, and once again here we are.  And hopefully, not our last.  The tips of our tongues lightly played a teasing game, and he pressed his face harder into mine, moving his hands back along my face until his fingers were tangled in my braided hair.  Everything went numb and silent, as we kissed.  The world around melted into a blur of colors.  There was no one.  Nothing.  Just he and I. 

Our lips slowly separated, but our foreheads still touching.  Our noses pressed against each other.  Our eyes closed.  Just listening to each other breath.  Feeling our warm breath mingling and touching the others face.  His hands squeezed my head, pulling my hair.  I sighed into his mouth.  His lips connected with mine again, just for a moment.  Too quickly to savor, but long enough to feel his love.

He pulled away, intensely gazing into my eyes.  "Aleah, I'm so sorry."

He didn't clarify, but he didn't need to.  I knew exactly what he meant: for everything, and for nothing.  And that's all I needed.