Plans

The flight was a blur, as I spent it drifting in and out of sleep with silent crying during my wake hours.  The poor person next to me, asked me at one point if someone close to me had died.  In a completely inappropriate response, I laughed.  But quickly stopped and told her no.  My drive back to Lincoln was relatively smooth.  I guess I was cried out, by that point, because I drove back with the radio off, feeling empty and exhausted.  Literally, drained emotionally.  By the time I got back to my apartment, it was 11 p.m.  I checked all the rooms, but no one was there.  I took my suitcase to the bedroom, and left it by my bed, unopened.  I took all of the roses, and held them above the trashcan, debating whether to throw them out or not, along with my thoughts of Zach.  I lingered there for a couple of minutes.  Ultimately, I couldn’t do it.  I took the paper from around them, and separated them, one by one, and hung them upside down from the kitchen cabinets, to dry out. 

I curled up in a corner of the couch, wrapping a blanket around me, and grabbed my phone.  I opened the text from Luke, and then decided to not respond to him, yet.  I opened my contacts and scrolled up and down, watching the names fly by too fast to read.  Finally, I decided to call Elisabeth.  She had asked me to let her know when I got home, so I would call her and let her know I was safe.  I glanced at the time on my phone, before calling, and saw it was 11:43 p.m.  I knew they were an hour later than us, so it would be 12:43 a.m., there.  I justified that Elisabeth had told me no matter the time, so I called anyway.

No answer.  She was probably sleeping.  I decided to leave her a message.  I timidly spoke.  “Hey Elisabeth, it’s Aleah.  Sorry to call so late.  I just wanted to let you know that I made it home safely.  Call me when you get a chance.”  I was hoping she wouldn’t hear the sadness in my voice.

After leaving the message, I remembered to text my mom, to let her know I made it home.

Mom!  I’m home.  Alive and breathing.  Let me know what day you want me to come for dinner.

I tossed my phone to the other end of the couch and dropped my head on to the back of the couch.  We had a match the next day, and it was going to be a tough one against Michigan, so I really needed to go to bed so I could get sleep.  I had touched base on Friday with my coach to ensure I would be playing tomorrow.  He said depending on how I hit warming up he may take me out of singles, but that was to be determined.  I decided to just go to bed at that point.

Sunday morning, I woke up feeling like I was hung over, even though I hadn’t had a drop of alcohol since the champagne on the way to the hotel.  I sat up in bed and leaned forward, stretching my back.  An emotional hangover.  I got up and decided to take my time getting ready.  I ate some oatmeal and a banana, something that would keep me full as I went into my match in a few hours.  I shaved my legs and showered.  Sarah woke up about then and offered to French braid my hair.  I let her.  She asked me about my trip and I told her everything.  I tried to keep from crying when I told her about the previous day, but a tear did escape.  She leaned down and hugged me from behind.  “I’m so sorry, Aleah.  I know you love him.  I wish you two could be together right now.”  I sniffed and wiped the tear away.

I stood up and turned to face Sarah, and she smiled widely at me and said, “I’m coming to your match today.”  I smiled back at her.

After my match, Sarah and I went and got something to eat together.  After we were finished, we were getting ready to leave when she asked me what I was avoiding thinking about.  “Have you talked to Luke?”

I sighed.  “No.  I don’t know what to say.”

“You like him, don’t you?” 

“I do, but I think that ‘like’ seemed magnified actually seeing him on almost a daily basis, as compared to how much I really like him.  Being around Zach, I just don’t have feelings for anyone else.”  I linked my fingers and propped my arms on the table in front of me.

Sarah reached over and grabbed my forearm.  “Aleah, this is going to sound harsh.  Zach is not here.  You aren’t together.  And you know, after the conversation you had with him, that you won’t be for at least another year.  You can sit around and wait for him, but do you think he’s going to do the same?  I’m not saying he won’t, but there is no guarantee you or him will feel the same way at that time.”

I smiled sadly at her, because I knew she was right.  We left then. 

After we got back to the apartment, my phone started ringing.  It was Elisabeth.  I smiled, thinking about how much fun I had with her in New York.

“Hello?”

“Aleah?  Hi!  It’s Elisabeth.  Is this an okay time to talk?”

“Oh, Elisabeth, it’s good to hear your voice!  And yes, of course!”

“I’m so sorry I didn’t answer when you called this morning.”

“No, I know it was late, I’m sorry I still called.”

“I told you to.  How was your flight?”

I told her about everything that happened from the limo to the last lingering look Zach and I had.  I started sobbing by the end.

“Oh, Aleah, I am so sorry.  I know how much you care about Zach.  Like when we had spoken at 230 Fifth, though, remember that you are still young and need to enjoy your college years.  If you and Zach are meant to be, it will happen when the timing is right.  Plus, it was very mature of him to tell you what he needs to do, and that he has plans to do so, and wants to be ready if and when that time comes.”

I knew Elisabeth was right, and told her so.  I reiterated how much fun I’d had with her and Lukas, and asked about them.   I also asked me about her friend that was going through the hard time.  She updated me a little more.  We chatted for a little while longer, but I told her I couldn’t speak long, as I had a lot of homework to complete before classes the next day.  We promised each other to talk soon.

The rest of Sunday I finished up homework that I didn’t get done in New York.

I didn’t go to class on Monday morning, because I didn’t want to see Luke, but I did make it to all of my other classes.  After lunch, I had a text from Luke asking me if I was back.  I did respond and tell him that I was.  He asked to see me after my practice Monday night.  I told him that I couldn’t, I had to get ahead in some of my classes, because during the weekend, I had matches in Indiana, and we were leaving early Friday morning, so I would be missing classes on Friday and Monday.  We ended up setting plans for Wednesday, because he couldn’t do anything Tuesday.  

 Secretly, I was glad for more time, as I wasn’t ready to talk to him, yet.  I didn’t know what to say.  I didn’t even know how I felt.