Watchful Eye

At our matches in Indiana, we lost to both IU and Purdue.  I won in singles, so it was partially gratifying, but wholly disappointing.  Regarding Luke, we texted quite a bit and we spoke every day in the evening before going to bed, but nothing of substance.  We kept it light and avoided the topic of Thor.  He wanted to see me Monday night when we got back, but I told him I was going to be hanging out with Sarah and would see him on Tuesday.

Monday night when we got back, Sarah was there waiting for me.  I had called her when we were 20 minutes away so she'd be able to show up for me.  When I got into the car, I asked her how her leg was feeling with the torn labrum.  She had decided to try and make it through the rest of the season.  They had a track meet in Arkansas on Saturday, and they had come back yesterday.  She said it was a struggle and she didn't know if she'd make it.  She said she was considering backing out and having surgery sooner than later so she could start physical therapy so she could start throwing again sooner to ready herself for the following year.  I told her that no matter what decision she made, I would either be there for her when she woke up, or at as many of her meets as I could be.

We stopped and picked up some food to go and took it home, since I was tired from the drive.  We set up our food on the floor in the living room, surrounding ourselves with blankets and pillows.  We ate in silence for about half of the food, until I said, "So lay it on me, sista."

"So, don't get mad at me, but..."

I cut her off.  "Sarah.  You know anytime someone says that, it means they're going to get mad."

"I know."  She smiled.  "I was kidding.  But anyway, I don't really know Luke.  So I can't fully give a fair opinion of him.  But from what you told me, and have told me, I don't know what to think."

"Well, that's not helpful."

"No, listen.  He seems to really like you, and maybe he's just immature, but I don't think I'd like a guy who was my boyfriend to say that I make all the guys rock hard.  In front of his friends.  And then laugh.  I mean, maybe that's just him.  Or maybe you don't really care.  Plus, I'm still not 100 percent okay with you not remembering what happened the night you went out with him and his roommate."

"I guess I don't really care that he made the comment.  I thought it was funny and he was just joking around.  And I must have just had more to drink than I remember."

"But Aleah..."

"Stop.  Luke is a good guy.  Just get to know him.  Please?  You're my best friend and your opinion matters to me.  It really does.  I just think you haven't gotten to spend any time with him."

She sighed.  "Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah."

"Why did you jump into a relationship with him, when you told me you were in love with Zach?  And you had just seen him?"

I winced when I heard his name, but then quickly shoved the pain deep down inside, again.  "I'm just trying to move on," I flatly stated.  "There's no guarantee about anything with him."  I was avoiding saying his name, but I looked down at my finger, twisting the ring around it, wistfully remembering the night he gave it to me.

"Did Luke ask about it?"

I knew without asking that she meant the ring.  "No.  I'm sure he's seen it, but maybe he doesn't care.  Or maybe he thinks I got it for myself."

"Aleah, I'm not trying to be a jerk."  Sarah's eyebrows were raised and she was looking at me insistently.  "I just want you to be happy.  And to be treated how you deserve."

I didn't say anything.  I didn't know what to say.  So Sarah then changed the subject.  "So there's this guy I like..."

My mood visibly changed then as I sat up quickly and said excited, "What?  Who?"  She started talking to me about a guy on the men's track team, who runs distance.  She said she thinks Maddie knows him pretty well.  She said that they have some mutual friends, and while in Arkansas, she got to speak with him quite a bit. 

"Did he ask you out?"

She scrunched her face up, appearing disappointed.  "No."  But she quickly added, "Not yet, anyway."

"Go get 'em girl!"  She laughed.  At that moment Maddie walked in.

"Aleah!  You're home!"  She skipped over and plopped down on the floor next to us.  We briefly caught up about our weekends, when the subject of Elena's wedding came up.

"So, we need to figure out the roommate situation," I said.

"We have to have those turned in by the end of the week."  Sarah added.

Maddie hesitantly started talking, "So, someone approached me about joining us, because they heard Elena was moving out."

Sarah and I both looked at Maddie and demanded, "Who."

"Nellie."  Sarah flailed her head back onto the seat of the couch and I grabbed Maddie's wrist.

"Maddie, noooooo!" I mock howled at her.

Nellie is a girl who is very nice, but extremely weird, and so socially awkward.  She tends to wear teddy bear sweatshirts, "mom" jeans, and not use contractions when she speaks, but uses words like splendid and joyous.  Plus she was very sheltered and is naive.  She lives across the hall from us, currently.  She is slightly mousy looking, and wears large round glasses.

"What did you tell her?"  Sarah asked, almost scared of the answer, it seemed.

"I told her I'd talk to you guys, because I didn't know if you had found anyone."

"Why doesn't she continue living with the girls she's currently living with?"  I asked curiously.

Maddie grimaced. "They kicked her out."

"Why?"

"Well, Nellie told me that a friend of theirs' who was abroad is coming back so they're having her move back in.  But I spoke with one of them, and they said that's half true.  She is coming back, and she is living with them again, but only because they begged her to replace Nellie."

I closed my eyes and shook my head.  "Please tell me we have other options."

Maddie and Sarah both said they didn't know anyone.  I offered to ask around on the tennis team.  Then I asked the question we were all thinking.  "So would we rather have Nellie live with us, or someone random they assign to us, and risk it being even worse or weirder?"

They both shrugged their shoulders.  I asked them to give me until Wednesday, and then we would decide.  They agreed.  Maddie said she would let Nellie know.

On Tuesday after classes, at practice, I started drilling all the girls on where they were living the following year.  Everyone had plans.  I attempted to think of any other possible options, but I didn't know of anyone.  Especially this close to having to turn in living preferences.  After practice, Joe asked if I wanted to grab dinner in the dining commons.  I agreed to, as I wanted to get his opinion on Luke, before seeing him.

After Joe and I got our food, we sat down on the edge of the dining commons, and I told him everything about Luke including the night where I couldn't remember anything, to the night before I left for Indiana.  I even told him about my trip to NYC with Zach, too.  I managed to not cry throughout the whole thing.  I showed him the ring Zach got me, and then I just stopped talking.

Joe took a few more bites, looking thoughtfully out the window.  "You know I love this time of year, right?"

I followed his gaze outside.  Although the sun was setting and it was getting darker, we could still see people walking around in light jackets, as it was getting warmer, overall.  I could see the buds on the trees starting to open up, and a lot more birds flying around, though fewer now since it was getting dark.  I looked back at him, smiling, assuming he was changing the subject.  Maybe he didn't have an opinion.

"Of course.  I do, too.  Spring and summer are my absolute favorite seasons."

He turned his head to look at me then, and frowned slightly.  "There is no guy that will ever make you whole.  You need to find a complement, not someone to complete you.  You need to be happy to be by yourself."

I looked at him confused, starting to get angry with him.  "Joe, that has nothing to do with Luke or Zach."

He shook his head at me.  "Yes, it does.  When was the last time you were single?  Not like, single for a little bit, but single where you didn't have any other guy, or one on the sideline waiting for you."

I rolled my eyes, but decided to appease him, thinking back.  "I guess maybe before Zach and I ever dated."

"So, 7 or 8 years ago?"

"Yeah, something like that," I replied, looking down sheepishly at my plate, playing with my food.

"Luke doesn't respect you."

"That isn't true!" I interjected.

"Aleah, stop, let me finish."  He sighed.  "He doesn't respect you how you deserve to be respected.  I would never say something like he did, about someone I was dating.  I wouldn't say it about you, and we aren't dating.  Zach is a great guy.  I only briefly met him, but he treats you like you deserve.  But he clearly knows that whether it will be in the future, now is not the right time.  You aren't okay with being alone, or at the very least, without Zach, and so you fill the void and the hurt with someone.  For example, did Derek treat you how you deserved?"

I knew the answer, and I shifted my eyes to look out the window, thinking it was a rhetorical question.

He continued, "You knew Derek treated you badly at times, but you still stayed with him, because you don't like being alone.  During your whole relationship with him, during the week, when you couldn't be with him, you made a lot of time for me and to hang out with me, since he was out of town.  You always have a male right there.  You were with Zach for a long time, it didn't work out, you filled that hole with Derek.  Zach reappeared, you kicked Derek to the curb, it didn't work out again, you're filling that hole with Luke."

"I'm sorry if you felt used."

"What?  That has nothing to do with what I'm saying.  That's what you got out of that whole thing?"

"Well, no, I was just saying."

He squinted at me.  "Aleah, until you know your worth and are okay with being alone, you will continue to fill your time with guys who don't treat you right.  Luke doesn't treat you right.  If he did, he wouldn't objectify you."  His face softened at this point.  "I've seen you at your best, and at your worst.  I've seen you smile, and cry.  You are beautiful, and kind hearted.  You deserve someone who sees who you really are."

I muttered a soft, "Thanks."  I didn't know what else to say, because I knew he was right about me.  However, I thought maybe he was wrong about Luke.  Maybe Luke just showed his affection differently.  He was sweet to me, and sarcastic.  If he didn't respect me, I'm sure I would know it.

As Joe and I were finishing eat, I saw someone approaching our table.  Luke.

Luke smiled at me, and sized up Joe.  He grabbed a chair and pulled it up.  "I'm not interrupting anything, am I?"

I smiled back.  "Nope!  We were almost done and I was about to call you and see what you were doing.  Luke, have you met Joe?"  He shook his head.  "Joe, this is my boyfriend, Luke.  Luke, this is Joe, he's on the tennis team with me."  They shook hands and exchanged pleasantries.  We all chatted briefly, Joe asking Luke about basketball.  Joe said they should get together sometime and shoot around, and Luke agreed.  I smile happily at them, hoping that my boyfriend could become friends with my best friend boy.  As we were all walking out together, I checked my phone and saw I had a missed call from my mom.  I excused myself while they were standing outside of Joe's car, and I walked a few car lengths away.

"Mom!  I'm so sorry, I've been meaning to get back in touch with you about coming home."

"You know we miss you."

"I know, I've just been so busy with school and working at the Racquet Club, and with practices and traveling for the team right now.  I'm sorry."

"It's okay.  Can you make it up this weekend?"

"We're leaving Friday for Illinois.  I won't be back until Monday."

I heard her sigh on the phone and then muffled talking.  I assumed she was speaking with my dad.

She returned, "When does tennis end?"

"April 20th is our last regular season match, and then it's tournament time.  But, even if we make it through tournament, which honestly isn't looking promising, the last day of tournament is April 27th."

"Alright.  Well, your dad and I will try to make it to your next home match.  We would fly out to Illinois this weekend, but we have some things going on."

"I understand.  My last two regular season matches are both home.  Then at the end of this month, I should be able to come home for dinner.  The week is just too busy right now.  Or, I can't remember for sure, but if I have a free evening the weekend after I'm in Illinois, maybe I can come home then?"

"We'd love that, dear."  My mom sounded distracted by this point. 

"Okay, well, I need to go, but I'll talk to you later."

"Right.  Love you."

"Love you, too.  Tell dad I love him, as well."

"Of course, bye."

I looked at my phone and frowned.  Something had seemed off with my mom the past several times I had spoken with her, but I couldn't quite place what it was.  I shrugged my shoulders to myself, then, and walked over to Luke.  He and Joe said bye to each other.  I gave Joe a hug, and he squeezed me tightly.  Luke grabbed my hand and we walked to where he was parked next to me.  He suggested we see a late movie, and I agreed.  He told me to go home and change, and he'd pick me up in a half hour.

I got into my car and started it, to pull away, and I saw Joe still standing next to his car, watching me.